


Like Coming Home

by julesherondalex



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, F/M, mentions of domestic abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-02-26 14:18:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18718762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julesherondalex/pseuds/julesherondalex
Summary: Azriel knows he and Elain are made for each other, but the female keeps staying in an unhappy relationship. – Elain has difficulties facing what she knows is the inevitable truth. But if she won't stop lying to herself, she might lose Azriel forever.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there!  
> I discovered a new love for modern AUs, and here's a particularly angsty one. Hope you enjoy it x

These family gatherings were getting a real pain in the ass as of late.

Azriel wasn't much of a talker, everyone knew that about him. But his brooding demeanor peaked today, even for his own standards. His family didn't fail to notice the lacking communication, just as they knew _why_ he was in a particularly bad mood.

All of them knew, all but the two causing the frown on his face and ache in his chest. Well, to be honest, it was the prick of a male who caused the frown and the urge to punch him in the face. Or rip his damned, wandering fingers off to stick them up his ass. Preferably both. In that order.

The female adjoining said prick's side … she was the reason for the ache in his heart. It seemed like forever since he started enduring that same old pain, the first time being the moment Azriel realized she’d gotten back together with the boy at her side the first time after he left her. And then again, the pain worsened, when she'd taken him back after the second time he left her, four months ago. Each time Az had been foolish enough to get his hopes up.

Azriel would have loved to do different things to her. _With_ her. She would probably hate him for even thinking like that.

And now his glass was empty. What a fucking inconvenience he had to leave this room to get a new drink, wasn’t it? Maybe he would get to breathe for a minute in solitude without having the urge to empty his stomach all over Graysen's feet.

Az rose to his feet in a fluent motion, despite the glasses of whiskey in his system, feeling the stifled attention of the woman he loved snap to his exiting figure immediately.

_Fuck_. She always did this. Her eyes were following him around wherever he went, unwittingly. They lit up when she talked to him. And still, Elain continued to stay with the asshole next to her.

Azriel assumed either she was ignoring that pull of connection between them or she was genuinely not aware of it. He didn't know which option was worse. What Azriel knew for a fact was: the more she looked at him like that, the more he felt the pain of not having her by _his_ side.

Good God, he was in a bad mood. Melancholy mixed with anger, and his blood boiled whenever that fucker Graysen touched his girlfriend as if they weren't sitting in the middle of a family gathering. As if he wasn't able to grasp that Elain removed herself from him every time, cheeks blushing red in embarrassment over the blatant display of affection. It was good timing Azriel chose to leave the room because he was near damn close to ripping Graysen's fingers off for real now.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Azriel leaned against the wall, head pressed against the cold of it with his eyes closed. He breathed to suppress the anger and feelings of violence towards the male who had somehow managed to become the dumbest asshole alive.

The only thing keeping him from busting his disrespectful ass was the fear of Elain hating him forever. That, Az couldn't endure. Although he had reached the very limitation of his usually enduring patience.

He was just _so_ tired. Az was tired of being shackled to his feelings, for they always seemed to evoke rejection in their existence, and he was tired of being so hopelessly in love with women who had no interest in him whatsoever.

While he picked his momentarily shattered pieces up to get himself a glass of drink again, he faintly wondered if his past had anything to do with him ending up in these unrequited love dramas.

Who was he even kidding? Azriel knew his current situation was different from anything else he had endured in his life.

For once, he knew that the female he loved, loved him back. He just knew it.

He felt it in his bones; similar to the way he had always sensed the mood of his father within seconds of his arrival, drunk and angered and ready to strike the seven-year-old boy to his feet. Little Az had made sure to wait on the male who should have been his hero and take the brunt of his anger upon himself before his mother did. At least he had seen the blows coming before they happened.

And then, when his mother decided they’d had enough and arranged an opportunity to escape, Azriel had his bags packed for hours before his mother appeared in the dead of the night to tell him they’d leave and get a better life together.

His intuition was strong and rarely deluded him, which was why Az was certain his feelings for Elain weren’t there to torture him but to lead him true. That was why he knew Elain felt the same, why she would never be able to love Graysen the way she could love Az. If only she could see that.

It was particularly hard to keep waiting for fate to settle in already, and Azriel could only barely hold onto the hope of getting to have something perfect with Elain. Especially when he had been drinking – that was a spectacle in itself, for he never drank, it made him remember his prick of a father – and feeling so fucking sad, watching the woman he loved act in love with someone else. _If only she knew_.

At least he didn’t have to go in there for the next five minutes, as he silently poured his drink and took a sip. He should have known from the day he met Cassian that trouble always found a way into his life.

“Let’s leave, babe,” he could hear someone outside of the kitchen door murmuring. To Azriel’s horror, the sound of shared kisses reached him. His stomach turned at the noises. God, no. Not now.

But God must have deemed Az stronger than he was, because the kissing outside of his only escape remained for at least another minute. Azriel’s stomach churning intensified as the sound of _her_ voice touched his ears.

“We can’t, Gray.” Another pause. “We’ve barely stayed an hour.”

“Are you sure?” the male continued, voice hoarse and meant to be seductive. “Because there’s a bed waiting for us at home. And a kitchen counter.”

Azriel’s fingers tightened around the thick glass of his drink, eyes wandering over Rhys's kitchen, not being able to rid himself of the images.

He would get sick all over the damned place.

“Gray,” Az heard Elain whisper in warning. And then again, “Graysen, stop. I can’t.”

Graysen let an irritated noise escape his mouth that made Azriel’s insides clench in anger. He would rip that prick apart, piece by piece by piece…

“Why the fuck not?” he said, voice louder and in loss of any attempt at seduction like seconds before.

Graysen didn’t even leave room for Elain to explain herself until a thud against the kitchen door could be heard. Azriel clenched his teeth and dropped his head against the wooden cupboard with a pained expression as he pictured Graysen pushing the love of _his_ life against the door, trying to convince her to allow him getting into her pants.

That goddamn thing called fate took a really long time to arrive.

“Come home with me and I’ll make you feel so fucking good,” Graysen’s muffled voice resounded again, triggering a part of Az he knew was slumbering deep inside. A cold rage against the world and all the times it had failed Az and his mom.

He would not let a useless asshole like Graysen push him over the edge like that. Even though Az was _this_ close to get the hell out there and show him what a female saying ‘No’ meant. When he was finished with him, the worthless bastard would learn to read that word off of a woman’s face and run like a motherfucker as soon as he did.

Azriel’s violent trail of thought was interrupted by the irritated sigh of the gardener. When she started to speak, his heart stumbled in his chest, despite the precariousness of his position.

"I don't want to go home, Graysen. I want to stay a little longer. I missed my family and we so rarely–"

"Fine, fuck," the asshole interrupted her, not even bothering to hear what she had to say to him as long as she refused to give into his primal needs. Azriel's hand clenched against the glass even tighter, wishing it would just break into pieces and distract him from the cold, dead-ended rage warring inside of him.

"But don't bother to come to my place tonight. I won't be there," were the last of his words before the front door opened and slammed shut with a loud bang. As if the male wasn't satisfied enough with the sting of his disgusting words but needed another way to hurt her.

Azriel hated his guts. He hated him so much he'd given up restraining himself. As soon as Elain went back inside, he would follow the bastard and teach him a lesson or two. May God help him keeping his fists in check.

He started to doubt the existence of luck when the door swung open and he was met with Elain’s hurt, tired eyes.

She stiffened when she saw Azriel standing right there, within earshot of the just occurred argument, his head still leaning against the cupboard and not bothering to hide the pain and anger in his expression. She was aware of the fact that he’d heard how Graysen mistreated what should have been the best thing in his life, and that he wasn’t fine with it. Elain averted her gaze and carefully hid her emotions behind a wall Azriel wasn’t familiar with.

But then again, he made sure to never ask her about Graysen anymore – apparently he still had some self-defense mechanisms intact – and he doubted she would tell him the truth about her happiness being in an relationship with the asshole.

_Patience_ , Azriel assured himself, _she will see what is in front of her eventually_.

But today he felt like ripping the carefully threaded illusion of their happiness to shreds by telling her every little flicker of emotion inside his chest, and all the dreams he had where Elain was always right by his side.

“Tough day, huh?” Elain muttered, indicating her head to the glass in Azriel’s clenched hand. “May I?” she added and reached for his drink.

Azriel surrendered the alcohol wordlessly, his eyes following the trace of a thin line of wetness from the corner of Elain's eye to her jaw.

Elain tipped her head back, and gulped down the liquid, screwing up her face while the burn sent her into a small coughing fit. Only then did she look him in the eye again. “This drink is even tougher than my day.” When he ceased to return her smile, it faltered and crumbled from her face.

Elain put the glass into the sink, leaning next to Az with her head against the cupboard. “Five years and he still calls it _his_ place. _His_ home,” she spoke, voice more bitter than sad. She turned to look at him. “I’ve been practically living there with him, too.”

Azriel pulls back, taking another glass out of the cabinet and refilling his drink.

“What did you expect?” he barely restrained the growl, every fiber of his being wanting to take off after Graysen and beat his ass up.

Elain blinked and met his gaze, surprise lining her face. She couldn’t hold his eyes for long though. “At least more than this,” Az heard her breathe.

Maybe it was the alcohol running in his system, or the fact that he felt so tired of his current situation that he opened his mouth and voiced his thoughts in unfiltered honesty.

“I don’t understand why you're still with him.”

Elain visibly stiffened, uncomfortable from what Az could tell. But he didn’t hold back this time. He didn’t have the strength to.

“He’s the worst.” The distaste was palpable in his words. So much so that Elain’s head snapped up in surprise, staring at him with shock. He had never once uttered a word about Graysen, not to her at least.

He knew she was about to defend him even before she spoke up.

“He’s not always like this.”

Azriel fully faced her, body turning in her direction. There was no going back for the truths clogging his throat. He was about to spit them out, and maybe she would see what he saw.

“It should _never_ be like that,” he said, firmly, nodding his head to the door and indicating he had heard their conversation. Elain frowned.

“Relationships aren’t always easy, Az. It’s not like he’s going to be nice to me every second of the day.”

_God, how much Azriel hated this stupid, fucking bastard._

“I should beat the shit out of him for making you believe that,” he growled, fingers clenching to fists. “What did he do to deserve you, El? What did he do or say that would ever justify staying with his pathetic ass? How he treats you … that is not how you treat a woman. Believe me.”

Az breathed hard, expression contorted in anger and a sliver of desperation beyond his control. Elain’s frown deepened, while the corners of her mouth tugged down.

“I’ve known him for more than five years. Do you think I’d still be with him if there wasn’t any goodness within?” she retorted instead, voice raising slightly.

“Honestly?” Az placed his drink back onto the table, his thirst and leash on himself spent with the turn of their conversation. Despite every reasonable thought warning him not to, he matched her raised voice.

“I can’t see a single good, let alone _decent_ , trait in him. That’s why I still don’t fucking understand why you’re with him. He’s acting like a thirsty pig, not caring about anything but himself and you're still trying to defend him like he hasn’t just made you cry. Why do you do this to yourself? Instead of seeing what is right in front of you–,” he halted, regaining control over his voice and inhaling before he continued. “You could do so much better, Elain. You deserve so much more than what he has to give to you. You deserve to be happ–.”

“ _That’s enough_ ,” Elain croaked, eyes filling with tears Azriel had never intended to see as reaction to his words. _Shit_. He felt worse than before, even worse than minutes ago when he had been forced to listen another guy kissing the love of his life.

“El,” he began but Elain didn't allow him to continue.

“No,” she shook her head, once, twice. “I’m leaving.”

As Azriel tried to touch her arm, to make her stay and listen to him, to not leave like _this_ , when she held up her hands almost as if repulsed by his touch. “ _I’m leaving_.”

And she did. Left him shredded and broken like shards of glass scattered around the floor.

He leaned against the counter, not being able to support the weight of himself, of her words and a love too heavy for his heart.

Just as he thought it couldn’t get worse than this, Nesta appeared leaning in the doorway, arms crossed against her chest.

There was no sound of laughter nor conversation coming from the living room. As if they had all heard what went down in the kitchen.

“Are you not going to follow her?” Nesta only requested, sharp eyes upon him, dissecting every shard of his broken being.

“She obviously doesn’t want me now,” he ground out, not moving despite the almost primal urge in him to run after her and make her forgive him. But unlike that prick boyfriend of hers he respected her wishes, and honestly? He was too angry and intoxicated to be speaking to her right now. He didn’t want to make it worse by hurting her more than he did.

Nesta snorted; the disappointment in her eyes would have surprised Azriel if he hadn’t been feeling so drained.

“Neither of you deserve her,” was all the woman said before going after her sister on her own.

_Just fucking great._

***

“Shit!” Elain yelled as soon as she stood in the parking lot of Rhys and Feyre’s place, only then remembering she'd driven with Graysen and his car. Graysen had taken off without making sure she had a ride home. This day got worse by the second.

Still, the worst had happened in the kitchen, there, with Azriel. His words … as much as Elain didn’t want to hear any of them, they struck deep and true. None of them were facts she wasn't aware of.

Quite the opposite, she’d been dealing with Graysen’s shit for longer than any of them knew, but something held her to him. He left her, again and again. And _still_ , when he returned, she took him back.

Elain knew she didn’t love him too much for her to be taking him back every time. No, it was that she didn’t love _herself_ enough to be sure she could handle being on her own. Or letting herself fall for someone else without fearing being left like Graysen always did when he’d enough of her.

Because Elain knew, when Graysen left, it hurt. But not as much as it had hurt hearing Azriel’s words in all their honest glory while seeing the disgust in his eyes.

God, she was a mess. A mess with no way to get home – wherever home was.

That’s when the crying fully hit her, body wracked by sobs of hurt and unhappiness. Because that’s what she was.

_So damn unhappy_.

“Need a ride?” a familiar voice like steel made her sob even harder. Encountering Nesta _now_ was similar to how a crying child reacted when it spotted its parents. The child cried louder.

“Nesta,” Elain managed, one hand covering her face, while she held the other out to stop her sister from coming too close. “Please, I need to be alone now.”

“No fucking way,” Nesta only muttered, and then she was laying Elain’s coat over her shoulders and tucking her sister under her arm, leading them to Nesta’s car. Elain didn’t complain due to the sobs still shaking her body and making it impossible for her to hold onto words.

When they were seated in the car, Nesta cranked the engine.

“Where are we going?” Elain managed when she had calmed down enough to be able to speak.

“We’re going to get us a bucket full of ice-cream, rent one of those cheesy-as-hell movies you seem to devour, and eat until we puke.” When Elain tried to resist, Nesta cut her off. “It’s too late. I already told Feyre we’d do exactly that. After she’s fended off her annoying friends, she’ll be on her way.”

Elain cried even harder. This day might have been one of the very worst, but at least she had her sisters. At least she had her sisters forever.


	2. Chapter 2

Elain didn't bring Graysen to the movie night her family had planned.

Not that she had really planned to come, but since returning to her shared apartment with Nesta, Elain hadn’t done much but sulk and try to figure out the reason she was feeling so unhappy. Ultimately Nesta had tired of her moping and dragged Elain out of bed to force her into clothes before making sure she didn't return to the warmth of her sheets.

No matter how irritated Elain was with Nesta, she was also glad to have been with her for the past few weeks. She needed her sister’s support, and truth be told, Elain desperately needed time away from Graysen. She felt strange all over.

It was weird to say the least; Elain was so scared to be alone that she stuck around for whatever Graysen had put her through. But now that she'd tasted freedom in the warmth between her sheets – her _own_ sheets – Elain almost relieved at the emptiness of the other side of the bed.

Clearly this must be a temporary need, wasn't it? One just wasn’t better off alone. Especially Elain who deemed herself of social nature usually didn’t feel complete on her own. Maybe this was only another stage of life; a stage in which she was fed up struggling with other people’s antics, tired of being appeasing enough for her boyfriend, and weary of human company in general.

Yet Elain had never felt like this; as if she'd been blindfolded all this time, and after finally being able to see again, she didn't know what to make of the image of her life. She started seeing things clearer, yet reluctantly doing so. Seeing clearer meant she would have to acknowledge uncomfortable truths which would ultimately lead to changes she wasn’t ready for.

But ironically, now that she could see, Elain didn’t want to look Graysen in the eye after what had happened at Feyre's that afternoon.

They were still together – although Elain refused to let Graysen touch her again, no matter how often he found himself apologizing to her. She didn't know whether to be relieved at her strength to say _no_ to him, or to be embarrassed by all her pathetic _yeses_ for their relationship being.

But then again, she knew Graysen and was aware of his flaws. Who could ever claim to be perfect?

That still didn't explain why Elain had felt like puking the second Graysen tried to kiss her. She didn’t know why she suddenly repulsed of his touch nor did she understand why Azriel’s disgusted face popped up in her mind as soon as she thought about kissing her boyfriend.

The way Azriel had looked at her when she'd found him in the kitchen knowing he'd heard what happened between her and Graysen … Elain fought the shiver of horror raking down her spine at the image of Azriel being forced to listen to them kiss, Graysen's attempt at taking her home to sleep with her.

The female wasn't sure why all of this made bile rise in her throat; why it had felt like cold water splashing in her face as soon as she'd eyed Azriel's nauseated expression.

Now, even as she sat on Rhys and Feyre’s couch, Elain appeared to be suspended in air, not knowing what to do with herself ever since her argument with the dark-haired male.

All of those sleepless nights, her days spent at work without really getting her head into it – she’d spent all this time thinking about that afternoon. About Azriel’s words and Graysen’s behavior. About her decisions in life and all the things she might have missed.

It was rather funny how Azriel’s words made Elain uncover her own mess from the heavy blanket she’d safely draped over it in the past few years. How his anger and incredulity opened up a side to Graysen she’d kept herself blind for.

Realizing you might have made the wrong decisions _sucked_.

That was probably the reason why Elain was still with Graysen. Why she refused to let go, fearing a life without him and all that she was used to would be worse than this. Why she’d only come today because Azriel wouldn’t be here.

As for Graysen, staying with him had taken on a habitual character, and although her relationship with the male hadn’t done much to her happiness lately, she couldn’t just leave him for good. Maybe with time things would return to normal? Maybe she would start letting him touch her again, at some point. If he was patient enough with her.

Maybe she could keep her eyes closed, take onto that stupid blindfold again, and pretend her bubble of pretense happiness hadn’t burst into thin air after facing Azriel the way she did.

It was too late to be realizing stifled feelings and making life-altering changes anyway.

Because no matter how much she’d hoped for him to call or text her – _hell_ , knowing him as well as she did, Elain had expected him to turn up at her door and apologize – Azriel never showed up, neither did she hear anything of him in the past few weeks.

It made Elain wonder whether he truly despised Graysen, and she’d somehow depleted Az’s patience with bringing her boyfriend along to their family gatherings. Or worse, if Az even resented her for being with him.

Her family didn’t really appreciate Graysen’s presence, Elain knew that. They’d been tolerant enough to respect her wishes and stay friendly, even though the relationship lacked true bonding.

It hurt her by far the most that Azriel, out of all, would feel so disgusted by her.

In the moments Elain had allowed herself to think more carefully about the past few months, she’d come to realize how much Azriel had distanced himself from her. Compared to the beginnings of their friendship, when she thought they had something quiet but profound, only the ghost of what was remained.

Elain wondered why she’d never stopped to act. She resented herself for _knowing_ things were wrong, for feeling they were about to be thrown off the rails, and _still_ pretending all was fine as if she was happy with the state of her life. In her most distraught moments, she hated herself for being so ignorant, so passive.

Elain hated the way she let truths pass by while keeping her eyes shut closed in fear her pretense happiness would get lost to her if she cracked open her eyes even the tiniest bit.

Yet all the while Azriel’s distance had tugged on her heart in aching manner.

She didn’t dare look into it to see what exactly was wrong, what made him halt and step back from her. What made him say all those things that day at Feyre’s when he had never uttered a word before. No matter how hard she tried to forget and get on with the way her life had unfolded, Elain couldn’t forget Azriel’s face looking so stricken as he blurted his anger and pain to her. As he accused her of not seeing what was in front of her. But _what_ had she missed?

Elain didn’t look, but the truth still imposed itself on her. She just couldn’t find the guts within to think the reason for Azriel’s hurt through.

The Archeron was caught in the whirlwind of her thoughts and emotions, in her unanswered why’s and how’s, when the sound of the closing front door pulled her out of her head.

She glanced at Nesta, curled next to her on the couch, and Feyre, who was currently tugged closer by her fiancée’s arms – all of them focused on the TV screen with one of Cassian’s choice of film playing. Mor was equally present, feet placed on Cassian’s lap who had claimed the bowl of popcorn for himself.

Amren and Azriel were supposed to be out of the picture today. Elain never asked about Azriel, but Amren would be spending her evening with Varian, who’d just returned from visiting his cousin in France.

As far as Elain knew, they were complete. So who had just arrived, and why did none of her family members seem to be bothered by the presence of another? Elain’s heart picked up its pace as she stared at the door, trying to make out who’d just entered the foyer.

Elain had a feeling she knew who was about to step into the room.

***

Azriel was already late to the movie night his family had planned, it wouldn’t matter if he sat here a few minutes longer. Leaning back in the driver’s seat of his car, he closed his eyes and sighed from somewhere bone-deep.

He was tired for more than one reason. The latest being the conversation he’d just had with his boss, uncovering another thing for him to mull over, another decision he might fail by being too emotionally invested in this mess of his heart.

He had requested some time to think over the offer. Thank God his boss wasn’t a complete idiot like most of them were.

But the more Az thought about walking into his brother and sister’s home, the less he contemplated the looming decision to be made. He only thought of _her_. Of how he’d hurt her, himself, and of how much he wished things were different.

Azriel’s attempt at relaxing for a moment didn’t work, as he only kept worrying about Elain and about how he’d apologize to her, trying to figure out a way to turn both of their luck into perfect fate. Maybe perfect fate didn’t exist after all.

At least he wasn’t going to find out on his own while sitting alone in this car. Sighing again, Az braced himself for the sweet but bitter impact that was Elain Archeron.

***

Elain should have known she wouldn’t be granted to escape her truths.

For when Azriel took a step into the room, her biggest truth made appearance too.

Elain felt the atmosphere change and recharge with energy; her nerves tingled from head to toe as she beheld his tall form. Once Azriel’s eyes met her own the air seemed to still around them. A missing piece was heaved back into her heart.

His hair was tousled while he was still wearing his crisp-white button-down work shirt, albeit a little crumpled with the sleeves rolled up. Almost as if in contrast to his appearance Azriel wore an expression of calm nature, more himself than the pain and anger radiating from him weeks ago. Elain was familiar with calm Az. Calm Az she knew her way around. Still, her stomach hurt from all the nervous excitement of finally seeing her friend, while her heart tried to out-beat its own pace.

Perhaps they could talk it out today. Wouldn’t it be great to return to normalcy?

When Azriel nodded at her in greeting, Elain didn’t know whether to be relieved or hurt at his lack of words.  

“There’s still pizza in the kitchen,” Feyre informed him without taking her eyes off the movie, and curling further into her fiancée’s lap.

Elain hoped no one saw her frown when Azriel exited the room wordlessly, to grab himself what was left of the pizza. She shot Nesta an irritated glance – after all the female had lied to her about Azriel’s appearance tonight – which the eldest Archeron only returned with an apologetic shrug.

Who was Elain even kidding? There was nothing apologetic about Nesta Archeron.

Not being able to refocus on the movie, too anxious now that Az was here, Elain laid back, eyeing her fingers as they played with the lose threads of the cushion on her lap. As she did, the item brought back a memory from little more than four months ago to the forefront of her mind.

_“You can sing?” she exclaimed in surprise, turning to the male next to her on the couch who fell silent as soon as he looked up at her, blushing._

_The two friends had been left momentarily alone, Cass and the others helping themselves with food in the kitchen while Feyre and Rhys had disappeared somewhere none of them dared to follow._

_Az tried to deny it but Elain had definitely heard him humming a beautiful melody. More than that she’d picked up his voice too, without being able to make out the words he sang. His blush even furthered as Elain fully faced him, bringing her hand to his arm and squeezing. “Seriously, Az, did I just hear you sing?”_

_Elain didn’t even know why it excited her so much – Azriel losing himself in the moment enough to ease into_ singing _– but having heard his deep, soothing voice she knew immediately she needed to hear it again._

_Az, seemingly knowing what was going on in her head, stared at her – wide-eyed and red-cheeked. “No,” he only said, firmly._

_“Please, Az,” Elain bestowed him her brightest smile, grabbing his arm with both her hands now, and shaking him like a four-year-old. “Sing for me.”_

_Azriel seemed dumbfounded for a moment as his eyes moved to the smile she wore only for him while the redness kept wandering to the curve of his ears. Elain’s cheeks flushed themselves, though she didn’t know why. It must have been something in his expression, but before Elain could wonder over it, someone else barged into the room, ruining the moment._

_“Aww, Azzie can sing?” Cassian drawled from the door, wolfish grin on his face as if he had just detected his newest prey._

_Azriel rolled his eyes, though his flush remained. Elain almost felt bad for his embarrassment. But she also kind of enjoyed their childish bickering._

_“Shut up, Cass,” Az only replied, not making the effort to raise his voice and turning to his work documents instead. Elain wondered if Cassian knew this was Azriel’s way of trying to escape the embarrassment which was about to doom him._

_As far as Elain could tell from Cassian’s facial expression, he began to perceive Azriel as his very own personal challenge._

_“Come on, Azzie, we want to hear you sing!” Cass glanced at the middle Archeron, indicating for her to join in on his chant of “Sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!”_

_However, Elain just shrugged; she wouldn’t be the one putting the knife into her best friend’s back, no matter how much she would have enjoyed to hear him sing. When Cassian realized his solo effort in the matter, he changed tactics. A well-known, his very trademark policy of annoying his prey into giving him what he wanted._

_So Elain watched Cassian circle Az like a wolf, teasing him, even going so far as to steal pillows from the couch to throw them at Azriel – who easily avoided being hit in the face. Elain already knew Az wouldn’t give in, for his will seemed to be made of pure steel and resistance, but it still amused her to see Cassian try. Especially when his effort strengthened when Nesta walked in, seizing the situation with one look and exiting the room with a heavy eye-roll._

_Until Azriel finally lost it._

_“Cassian._ _I will_ not _sing.”_

_Before Cassian could open his mouth, Azriel hurled one of the pillows so fast, the bulky male only had seconds to dodge it, lest being hit square in the face. Cassian raised his arm shortly before the cushion hit him, averting the blow and accidently redirecting to one of Rhys’s antique vases. The antiquity shattered to the ground just as Rhys, out of nowhere, made appearance in the sitting room._

_“I hate both of you,” the male only calmly announced into the silence after the chaos, and turning around, he left the room just as quick as he had emerged._

_Elain could only stare at the two remaining brothers._

_Later when she found herself being walked to her car by Azriel, who hadn’t talked much after the vase-incident, she decided to tease him a little more, in her own, sweet way. It didn’t hurt she knew Azriel liked that about her._

_“Even though you won’t sing for me, I’d still like to tell you that you have a nice voice.”_

_Her friend cast her a shy side-glance. “Thank you,” he murmured, dragging his hand through his hair nervously. Elain couldn’t help but think he looked cute doing so._

_She shot him a mischievous grin while fishing for her car keys. “I will make you sing for me, Azriel. Someday.”_

_She didn’t understand Azriel’s expression then, the way he stared deeply into her eyes, but leaned in to hug him goodbye nevertheless._

_Az tucked her into his broad chest – a nice place to be tucked into safely, Elain realized – and held her close. Elain smiled when he buried his head into her neck, even though her skin tingled where it met his breath and her heart did a nervous little flip inside her chest. She didn’t have time to question her body’s reaction, because Azriel started singing then, low and heartfelt._

_She couldn’t think about the sweetness of his voice, nor whether he was a good singer or not. All Elain could do was listen and_ feel _. His voice reached her heart – from every existing pore, under her skin and right to her veins, directly leading him true and placing him in that wildly beating thing within her chest for evermore. The act of singing into the soft skin of her neck, just below her ear, had such an intimacy to it, the air inside Elain’s lungs seemed to evaporate with every sung word, her skin overcome by goosebumps shivering their way down her arms. In that moment she thought that his words, his voice, would stay there from now on, in the hollow of her neck, leaving an imprint of their own on Elain’s skin._

_It might have lasted for seconds only, but the Archeron would feel the effects of this moment for days._

_When Azriel pulled back, he met her stunned gaze for a lingering moment. Elain didn’t remember whether he had given her one of his beautiful smiles, or if the intensity in his eyes had claimed the memory of this moment to itself alltogether._

_All Elain knew was that she remained there, being the dumbfounded one now, with her heart weirdly aching in her chest. As she watched him leave, leaning against her car for support, Elain faintly wondered why she was fighting tears._

The Archeron now recalled the sound of his voice, soothingly deep, dark and absolutely beautiful. Even after months the memory of Azriel’s voice and sung words were enough to make her shiver and ache. _But why, for God’s sake, must she remember now?_

Realization struck as soon as she remembered the lyrics he had sang into her ear, so full of emotion:

 

_Can’t see when I’m falling_

_Losing myself but then I hear you calling_

_There you are  
There you are_

_You're there with open arms_

_Only you know me the way you know me_

_Only you forgive me when I'm sorry_  
_Even when I messed it up_  
 _There you are_

 

He had made her _feel_ things then.

And Elain only now came to realize what the gesture meant, what Azriel had tried to tell her, and what she’d so carelessly overseen. She’d ignored what she felt even then, and not much later gotten back together with Graysen. No wonder Azriel closed off after that, distanced himself from her. She must have hurt him so much. And herself, too.

_God, she had been such a fool._

Elain lifted out of her seat next to Nesta, ignoring the questioning eyes, as she left the room. She needed a minute to herself, to calm her from sadness aching heart and dry the tears threatening to spill over. Whatever was happening to her now, it was a long time coming.

She found herself on the balcony of the guest room, the noise coming from the movie fading away entirely. As Elain stared up at the night sky she wondered if one’s fate truly was written in the stars. If so, she needed a guide to teach her how to read them.

Just as she was about to let the tears fall, that soothing night voice resounded from behind her.

“I’m sorry.”

Elain’s fingers tightened on the railing, eyes screwing as a single tear rolled down her cheek. She’d spent so much time in her head, words seemed to have deserted her.

As Azriel stood next to her, Elain watched his scarred fingers reaching for the railing, stared at the distance between his and her own hands. Wishing for it to disappear.

“I’m sorry for arguing with you while I was angry and under the influence of alcohol. I should have known better than raising my voice in that state. It was wrong and won’t happen again. El, I promise,” Azriel faced her, emphasizing each word so to make it clear he wouldn’t break his word. He didn’t need to. Elain knew he wouldn’t.

“Are you sorry for _what_ you said?” Elain found herself asking, voice only carried by a whisper of breath. She didn’t know what answer she hoped for. Perhaps if he took back his words, she would forget all about … _this_.

But Azriel stayed silent for a long while. He sighed, letting his hair hang over his brow as he leaned against the railing. “I meant everything I said. I still think you deserve better, Elain.”

And there it was. Something about that statement bugged her.

“Maybe I don’t,” she retorted, quietly, though her eyes didn’t stray from the stars. How could they be twinkling and still shining against this much darkness?

Azriel seemed to still at her words. “Why would you say that?” he questioned. Elain felt more than heard the tension in his voice.

“There must be something about me he can’t stand being around for longer than a few months. Maybe I’m leave-worthy. He’ll leave me again. You’d probably do the same.”

_Pathetic. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic._

She was prepared for Azriel’s protest against her uttered words. But she wasn’t ready for the pain and hurt in his eyes as Azriel’s fingers wrapped around her arm and gently turned her to him. Elain couldn’t help but stare at his open face, at those determined eyes. Determined to make her believe she was so much more than she thought of herself.

She’d missed him so much. And what hurt the most: she’d missed the Elain she was with him. That Elain was sweet and fun, clever and creative. Azriel’s Elain didn’t let herself be treated less than she deserved. _She’d missed herself_.

“You are _not_ leave-worthy. Do you hear me? Do not think that ever again.”

Elain’s eyes teared up again, a hidden truth unlocking in her chest; the fear of being not good enough, of being left alone, _of being lonely_.

She must still be missing herself if the thought of being her own company scared her so much.

Azriel watched her expression change, reaching to wipe her tears with his fingers, only barely hiding the storm of emotion whirling inside his own eyes. They looked incredibly sad now.

When he pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her small frame and laying his cheek against the top of her head, Elain melted into him, into his hug. She felt like this had been missing from her life lately, too. She _breathed_ for the first time in weeks.

“If I had you, Elain,” Azriel began after some time, voice tight, “I would hold onto you with everything I have. I’d cherish every minute of having such an incredible woman by my side, and I’d never take you for granted. That’s what _I_ would do.”

And then he was gone, face hidden in shadows as emotion caught up with him.

He took his warmth, the calm and all of Elain’s air with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song mentioned in this chapter is one of my very favorites ever. It's called "There You Are" by one of my absolute faves, Zayn.  
> Most of his songs have very nice Elriel tunes to them - go ahead and check out his latest album! You can always message me over tumblr (@julesherondalex) to know which Zayn songs I listen to when I need Elriel inspiration.


	3. Chapter 3

Azriel’s heart broke every damn time he caught her staring at him.

After that encounter on the balcony with the gentle female, he hadn’t been able to keep his emotions in check, leaving her starlit, sad eyes as soon as he bore to do. He feared Elain might see how everything in him screamed to just pull her close and kiss her on the mouth – show her what love really meant. Show her how much he appreciated the woman she was.

It wasn’t only the physical attraction – boy, was he beyond that point already – but how he felt inside when she smiled. When she looked at him and grinned that cheeky grin of hers. When she was happy, Az felt it all. His shadows disappeared – the light at the end of his tunnel gleaming bright.

But when she was sad, especially when she looked at him with those sad eyes and the sad mouth, with her sad hair hanging over her sad shoulders, well shit, then there was no light for Azriel. No light, no sun, just the urge to make it better. To make her feel better.

However Az had long come to the conclusion that this wasn’t on him. He couldn’t just grab her face and love her full – she’d had to decide herself. This decision loomed over her head for longer than the two of them realized and whatever had lead them here, fate must have something in store, Az thought. By being honest with her, he’d just tried to give fate a leg up. Azriel had tried to make Elain _see_.

Then it dawned on him, slowly, as he spotted her staring up at the stars and uttering her silent wishes; what Elain kept to Graysen might be neither of the males but _her_ , and only her, alone. And when she said those words, etched with fear and sadness, Az understood.

 _Maybe I'm leave-worthy_ , she uttered. _You'd probably do the same_ , she'd voiced without being able to look at him.

His beautiful friend, his gentle, kind and lovely Elain, who had been left by her mother first, by her father next and multiple times by her own damn boyfriend – Elain feared to lose Az. Graysen. Maybe all of them.

And it was far from being just that simple; as the days went by with nothing happening but her sad eyes getting sadder, Azriel truly realized it wasn’t on him nor on Graysen. This was no choice to be made between two males Elain thought she loved.

It went deeper than that, deeper than Azriel knew to follow, and deep enough for him to understand Elain found herself contemplating her whole life. He only now got the idea that by choosing one of them – or even none of them – Elain would settle her path. _That_ must be Elain’s struggle all along. Why she kept staring at him, staring through him, and spending so much time within her head.

 _What would help her be happier?_ Azriel found himself racking his brain. There had to be _something_ he could do for her. To make her happier. But as much as he tried to ignore the one impending truth, the answers precluding him out of Elain’s future carved a hole right into his chest.

The more Azriel tried to figure out what to do, as he himself had decisions to make, the less his faith in perfect fate remained.

His faith took a real good hit in the guts when Elain brought Graysen along to the barbecue his family hosted in honor of Cassian opening his own gym. After weeks of not seeing Graysen’s stupid face and thanking God for it, Azriel wasn’t sure how he might keep his anger in check once encountering the prick.

 _Does everything return to how it was before now_? he thought, devastated. All he had said to her, all his aching truths, did Elain disregard them so easily?

Even as he thought this, something about Elain made him halt. The female didn’t smile as usual, her hand wasn’t linked with Graysen’s, and there was too much of a distance between them to grasp them as a couple. Without knowing any details Azriel regarded the change, the rift, between the two, seeing the obvious wedge between them. He couldn’t see any of the affection normally gracing Elain’s eyes whenever she beheld her boyfriend.

Instead Elain kept staring at Az. She kept staring, but not seeing him it seemed. And the sadness tracing her caramel orbs? It tore apart his heart string by string. What was she thinking as she watched him, thinking he didn’t notice?

Since she didn’t try to hide it, maybe Elain didn’t care whether he caught her staring. Whatever went down in her head, it unsettled Azriel. He felt as though something was going to change.

“Shit, Elain, are you trying to eye-fuck him?” Azriel caught onto Graysen’s irritated, condescending tone as the boy didn’t even bother to lower his voice. Anger immediately roiled in Azriel’s gut to a tight ball as he stilled, looking up from the grill and meeting Cassian’s eye over the haze of smoke. His friend seemed to know where Azriel stood immediately, considering his eyes practically yelled at him to stay calm.

Azriel didn’t move his eyes off of Cassian’s or he would have all damned to hell.

But he knew who Graysen was referring to. He knew who Elain stared so hard at until even her ass of a boyfriend noticed. What aggravated Az the most was Graysen who was too much of a stupid, useless prick to realize Elain was doing anything but eye-fucking anyone. Goddamn it, had this bastard even properly looked at his girlfriend? Didn’t he realize she was going through _something_?

Cassian and Az stood there, amongst their friends and family, watching as Elain stood, her chair screeching against the stone as she pushed it back. She raised out of her seat in agitation, face pale, as she unbelievingly stared at Graysen. Then shaking her head, the Archeron left the garden, murmuring something about getting more bread.

Azriel fixed his eyes on Graysen, still sitting in his chair without making any effort to follow Elain. When the boy ignored all of their glances and reached for his phone instead, Azriel’s jaw locked tight. _What an insufferable, thoughtless …_

He turned to Cassian and before his friend mouthed a grim _Go_ to him, Azriel had thrown the empty paper plate in his hands to the side and left to follow Elain’s trail.

***

Everything had changed.

From the outside, Elain might have seemed calm, reasonable even. But that didn’t do justice to the turmoil roiling on the inside.

Beyond that, she felt frozen. Dimmed. Less herself.

She’d thought bringing Graysen along today might make it easier for her. A last shot for their relationship before it shattered helplessly to the ground with Elain being the collateral damage. A last chance for him to regain her undying love and trust. To acknowledge her innermost fears and soothe them. Maybe she’d see something she’d missed, Elain had considered.

All she saw was Graysen acting like a damn asshole.

Elain had started doubting wanting to return to normalcy with Azriel’s confession to her the other night – _If I had you, Elain_ , he'd said. Her initial wish to return to normalcy seemed ridiculous now. _What_ was her version of normalcy? What was she supposed to return to if Graysen had never even recognized her person? She wondered if he had ever known her at all. If he had ever truly seen her.

Elain couldn't return _home_ because she'd never been there.

Graysen, she now realized, was not her home. With her time being stuck into place lately, Elain had begun to question him. Yes, she’d even questioned all of the years she’d spent settling for his cruel sympathy, making herself believe she was meant to be with him.

 _But what if I’m not?_ Elain asked herself as she entered Feyre’s apartment, heading for the kitchen.

She’d never even made it out of Graysen’s shadow anyway. And as much as she'd once loved him, and as sweet and loving as a male she still believed he could be – somewhere beyond his ego – Graysen was far too invested in himself to _see_ her. To acknowledge what she needed. Who she was in her core.

That, she knew now.

But what did that make of her? Where did this realization leave her? Elain felt unhinged and bottomless, leaning against the counter where she’d once stood with Azriel all those weeks ago. Where all of this had started and she had started to see the wrongs of her life.

Even now Graysen hadn’t followed her, didn’t try to make it up to her. _He doesn’t even try, for God’s sake._

Elain assumed a broken ego was even bigger than a soothed one.

Why had she never seen him like she did now? Every other day another unpleasant side of him seemed to be uncovered, as if to say _Hey, there! I’ve been hiding here forever. How could you have not seen me?_

Graysen just took what he wanted without giving a damn about her needs. With final clarity Elain realized she hadn't been able to say no to him because whenever she did, he threw a goddamn _tantrum_. He kept pushing and pushing until she relented. And since rejecting him evoked his rejection of her person … she'd just stopped saying no. She’d stopped voicing what she really wanted and started to succumb to his needs. In fear of losing him, Elain had given up her own person, little by little.

Realizing this made her angry. Angry at herself, and angry at Graysen. Who the hell did he think he was?

For the first time in her life she felt as unapologetic as her sisters.

As fate willed, every unpleasant truth about Graysen opened up another lovable fact of Azriel’s. Those two might have been just exact opposites.

For every time Graysen ignored her wishes, Azriel seemed to read them in her eyes.

For every missing kindness coming from her boyfriend, Azriel made her laugh the louder, the brighter.

And in contrast to every failed acknowledgement of her person, Azriel seemed to be the only one to truly see her.

Maybe that’s why she hadn’t been able to stop staring at him.

For the first time Elain truly allowed her stifled thoughts and emotions concerning the dark-haired male to arise from the deepest corners of her heart. She felt a surge of appreciation for all he had done for her. Even the truths he confronted her with, they’d opened her eyes. As much as she’d once tried to unsee them and return to her ignorant state – because being blind was so damn easy, easier than changing her ways and working on herself – Elain didn’t feel the need to do so now. Although she was still unsure how to go about this new cognizance.

Because that was the problem in this mess, wasn’t it? Not only Graysen had been bad for her. Elain came to the conclusion she was as much to blame for treating herself so poorly. She’d given her self-love into the hands of an oblivious egoist, and as much as Graysen had brought her down, it wasn’t _his_ job to entertain _her_ self-compassion. _Elain_ was responsible caring for herself, making sure she got what she wished, what she dreamed for. Making sure that if all failed and went to hell, she’d have herself.

 _She_ should have known better than settling for less, while thinking it was what she deserved. _She_ shouldn’t have stepped back into the shadows of her sisters, her boyfriend, anyone really, because she didn’t trust herself to handle the hardships of life.

Nevertheless Elain could see where all this started. When her mother had died, Nesta took care of Elain. After her father passed away, it was Feyre who kept them above water. It was her sisters, the middle Archeron had to thank for everything.

But what had Elain done? Nothing. Nothing of importance, ever.

She’d kept her head ducked, stayed under the radar and just went along with what was thrown her way, without owning anything of it.

And instead of talking her into confidence, Graysen had exploited her weakened state. Instead of supporting her be the best version of herself, Graysen brought out her worst, her weakest and most succumbing.

Graysen left, he returned, and Elain took him back. Graysen urged her to a change of employment, to earn more money, and Elain gave in, well knowing working at a florist was as close she’d gotten to her dream of opening up her own flower shop someday.

Graysen spoke, Elain listened.

Graysen wanted, Elain gave.

Graysen, Graysen, Graysen.

But where was Elain in this relationship? Had she gone lost in her own damn life?

It was all she could do to not slap Graysen across the face for saying what he did out there in the garden. But that’s who he was, a self-centered idiot, wasn’t it? She’d figured that much by now.

To know her relationship of five years was crumbling apart didn’t make it hurt less though. And for the first time she wasn’t ready to fight against it. Elain didn’t want to keep it together, be the one to _give_ all the time.

But still, what would she do? Who would she be without Graysen? What _else_ would she lose with him?

Just like a baby bird didn’t know whether it’d be able to fly once jumping from its nest, Elain couldn’t know what would be lost without venturing a step herself.

She felt more than saw Azriel as he appeared at the door, his eyes finding hers immediately. Elain’s heart ached a little less already.

“Are you okay, El?” he asked, voice raw. Concern flooded his expression and soothed the pain inside Elain’s chest. At least _someone_ cared. _Azriel_ cared.

“I knew you’d be coming,” she replied instead. And laying her hand across her chest where her heart beat steadily, no matter the pain, “I knew it _here_.”

Azriel’s eyes softened. He didn’t move from where he stood, almost as if scared it would upset the balance of the room. “Just like you knew _he_ wouldn’t come?” he said gently.

Elain uttered a laugh, bitter as black coffee. “Oh, he will come. When he’s had enough of being alone.”

Azriel didn’t answer to that, only watching her with his attentive eyes.

He had seen right through her with those eyes. He had always evoked the sweetest and deepest of feelings with those eyes.

“Don’t,” Elain croaked, tears welling up at the onslaught of emotions roiling in her gut, her heart, everywhere. How had she ever ignored _this_? “Don’t look at me like that.”

Now Azriel took a step toward her, and Elain felt as if the whole room had shaken.

“I don’t know how to stop.”

This, this right there gave her the rest. Elain let her head drop between her two open palms. She was tired. _So_ tired.

“What do you want from me, Azriel? What do you want me to do?”

When she looked up at him again, beheld his wordless lips and heartfelt eyes, a dry sob escaped her lips. “No, _really_. Tell me. Please, because I don’t have a damn clue. You’ve shaken my world, Az. Now I have no idea where I stand. You’ve _shaken_ my world.”

Elain kept her eyes on his, heart drumming inside her chest as she watched how her words affected him, how he seemed to be fighting against his own tears.

She straightened when he took another step toward her shaking frame. And another.

“What do _you_ want?” he questioned, and Elain thought if voice could drag over gravel, it would sound just like him now.

She stopped to consider. What _did_ she want? She wanted to be free of pain, she wanted to be more of herself. She wanted to be able to stand on her two own feet. But she also wanted … She wanted … God, it was clear and yet everything seemed muddy. “I – I don’t know.”

As Az kept coming closer, he suggested, “Start with what you don’t want then.”

In her heart, Elain knew what would come now. She knew what he tried to do. And she let him come closer anyway; she continued looking at him as if he put the stars into the night sky. As if he was the reason why they still sparkled, amongst the enduring darkness. But darkness would only remain for the night.

When Azriel touched her then, it felt as though daylight had arrived. The sun was rising beyond the horizon, warming Elain’s very insides.

It was the simplest of touches anyone had ever bestowed to her, against her cheek, and yet she felt it to her core.

“Does it feel like this when he touches you?” he asked, voice low. As if he knew what his touch did to her. Elain couldn’t even speak.

When Az dragged a knuckle over her cheekbone, she inhaled sharply. God, it could feel like _this_?

She lifted her gaze to Azriel’s, beholding his lovely hazel eyes. As much sadness there seemed to lay, she could tell he felt the contact of her skin as much as she did. Encouraged by her lack of rejection he cradled her face in his hands, gently tracing his fingers under her eyes, ghosting over her lips. Elain trembled.

“Does he move you like I do?” he breathed. Elain felt his words on her skin with the close proximity dividing them only.

She didn’t have to think twice to recognize the truth. “No. Azriel, _no_.”

Azriel exhaled, as if in relief, drawing even closer with his hands still holding her face. Elain couldn’t tear her eyes from him.

“You know what I hated the most? Seeing him touch you like this. These small, simple touches were the worst. I felt like dying of thirst and he had found a bottle of water. I watched him drink, and drink. Every drop hurt, El.” He wiped gently at her tears, pressing his lips briefly to her brow. Something had unlocked in him, Elain thought, for the words stumbled over his lips in desperate attempt to reach her ears.

“Seeing that prick taking these liberties with you … I wanted to rip his head off. I hated it. I hate how desperate if made me feel. I hate him, and I hate how he treats you. I hate it so much, El. I hate _hating_ it so much. I can’t take it any longer.” Az swallowed hard, pausing to regain his composure. He let his brow meet hers, staring deeply and desperately into her eyes. She would have felt his pain from across the room, but this? This destroyed her. His pain destroyed her.

“I hurt so much, Elain. Seeing you with him hurts _so much_.”

She grasped the sleeves of his shirt, eyes shutting closed as she inhaled deeply. She could make him stop hurting. He was so close, she felt his lips ghosting over her own. Her heart leaped at the possibility of the disappearing gap and Elain wanted to fall into the space between his arms, forgetting everything in its wake. But still, she hesitated.

“Az, maybe we shouldn’t … this is not–.”

 _This is not right_ , she’d wanted to say. Yet her being so close to Azriel – nothing had seemed so incredibly right.

Az seemed in a daze as he said, “I’m trying to stop. Believe me I do. I’ve tried to stop caring so much but I can’t bring myself to forget you. Tell me to stop, El, and I will try again.” He withdrew hesitatingly, making sure she had room to decide even though it seemed to cost him. “Tell me to go, and I’ll be gone.”

There was truly no choice here, Elain knew. The thought of losing Azriel made her want to never think again. So she found herself shaking her head, violently, fisting his shirt in her hands, and pulling him once again close to her. “Whatever you do, _don’t_ _go_.”

And as she reached to her toes to finally bring her mouth to his, Graysen barged into the room and two worlds collided.

“What the fuck!” he yelled, as Elain stumbled back from Azriel in shock. “What the actual fuck, Elain?!”

Elain stared at him with wide eyes, heart stuttering in her chest. What was happening now?

“Graysen, I can explain,” she tried, taking a step to the male. Azriel had grown stone still next to her.

“Fuck, no! I came here to fucking apologize and … are you two fucking behind my back?” he yelled indignantly, eyeing the two of them. Elain saw his focus shifting to Azriel, and his eyes widen slightly, as if in fear, until he quickly hid it behind an angered expression. The dark-haired male had come hovering close to Elain, face twisted dangerously as he fixated the blue-eyed boy.

“Be careful how you speak to her,” he growled. His voice sent chills down Elain’s back.

Graysen, the infinite fool, dared to talk back.

“What the fuck, man. You kiss my fucking girlfriend and teach me lessons too? Are you out of your fucking mind?!”

Azriel growled again, moving toward Graysen in lethal grace with his eyes promising pure violence as Elain stepped in front of the male, getting between the two of them.

“ _Stop_ , Azriel,” she told him firmly, her belly twisting in fear at the possibility of Azriel getting hurt and this mess getting out of hand.

Her words worked like a slap to his face, and he flinched, eyes snapping to her own. His expression was framed with disbelief. “Stop?” he murmured, lowly and hurt. It was only then Elain remembered his words from merely minutes ago.

 _Tell me to stop, El_ , he’d begged her.

“ _No_ , Az, that’s not what I meant. I didn’t–.” Graysen grabbing her arm and roughly yanking her away from Azriel cut her short.

“Are you fucking kidding me? You’re not even trying to apologize? What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?”

Elain couldn’t prevent the following of events from happening; Graysen was yanked forward by his collar, Azriel almost lifting the man of his feet, while snarling right in his face. “I told you to be careful, asshole.”

In a matter of seconds the male had punched Graysen in the face and pushed him to the ground, where the boy laid sprawled on the floor. It happened so fast, Azriel had tackled his body after Elain blinked once.

She screamed for them to stop, for Azriel to let go, but the male had apparently run out of patience. For now they were both blowing fists at each other, while Elain started to yell for help.

Cassian and Rhys came rushing into the room, and before Elain knew, they had seized the two of them, pulling them apart. Cassian had more trouble keeping Azriel in check than Rhys merely using his strength to push Graysen against the wall.  

Elain stood by Azriel and tried to calm him, pleading his name over and over until he let Cassian hold him back, eyes still upon his prey who was wiping the blood from his nose now.

Graysen, surely relieved the two brothers had come to intervene, pointed at the Archeron and spit blood on the floor. “Either you come now, or we’re done,” was all he said before pushing Rhys off of him, turning his back on her and storming out of the room. Rhys dusted his clothes off, glancing at the females gathering in the room. All of them, all of her family had seen the mess made. But Elain couldn’t quite concentrate on anything else than the door Graysen had just vanished. She barely noticed her family’s eyes upon herself.

 _He still expects me to follow him_ , she thought instead, incredulously. _After all he just did, after all he put me through, he is expecting me to follow like a stupid, brainless idiot._

No more. A naive, little girl no more. She would show him. She would end this on her own terms. _For good_.

Alight with a decision that had been forming a long time, Elain stepped to Azriel, laying her hand over his in fury shaking body. She reached up to peck his cheek, well-aware of everyone’s eyes on her. She kept her eyes on him, determined to end this circle of madness for good.

“Stay right here,” she told him firmly.

Before Elain could leave to do what was long overdue though, Azriel’s fingers wrapped around her arm, gently in comparison to how Graysen had grabbed her. His pain-stricken face was still beautiful, despite the blood running from his brow.

“Don’t,” he just croaked, jaw tight and eyes bright with anger and hurt. And _panic_. “Don’t go, El.”

But didn’t he see what she had to do? Didn’t he see it was _her_ , who had to be fighting her own wars from now on? That’s what she _needed_ to do. She _needed_ to end this herself. This was her closure. This was what her brain and her heart had been yelling for her to do. It was time. Finally.

“I have to do this, Azriel.” She cradled his crumbling face into her hands and tried to hold him together by sheer will. Just for a little longer. She could do this.

“Trust me. _Stay right here_.”

Elain left before it got too hard to bear. As she exited the door, she swore to never put herself second ever again.

***

            Azriel didn’t feel his fingers as they dialed the number. He didn’t think about whether one’s boss should be called on a Sunday evening or not. He didn’t feel much of his head either, didn’t hear any of his thoughts. Only the pain lingered, and the firm realization that he couldn’t take it any longer. He wouldn’t watch Elain be with Graysen. He wouldn’t torture himself like that. Fuck fate. Fuck the stars. He would never get what his heart desired. _That_ was his fate.

            “I’m accepting the offer. Get me out of here,” he told his boss. _He told his fate._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really hard to write for me. But I promise to all the Elains out there, you're getting the story you deserve.  
> Stay tuned for the next part x


	4. Chapter 4

“Where is he?”

Elain brushed pass a surprised looking Feyre without waiting for an answer, entering the apartment and heading straight to the kitchen. Her heart beat loudly against her chest as she pushed open the kitchen door to reveal … nothing. There was no trace of a freshly occurred brawl, everything in its perfect order. Except … Azriel wasn’t in the kitchen.

_Of course_ , Elain thought, _why should he have remained here out of all places_? She hadn’t meant the kitchen in particular when she’d told him to _stay right here_. He was probably in the living room with the others. A nervous smile blossomed on her lips despite of the minutes she’d just spent being yelled at by Graysen. She hadn’t even blinked an eye because Elain finally told him all the pent up truths dwelling inside her chest for the past few years, and it’d felt glorious. She’d shown initiative and broken up with him. No shouted word of his could ever take away that she’d _finally_ put herself first. For real this time. To top it all off Elain had ultimately acknowledged the deep yearning of her heart for another. Who has probably waiting for her to return just behind this door–

Azriel was nowhere to be seen.

Elain glanced at the faces now staring up at her in bafflement and mentally ticked off the names matching the faces; there was Nesta, Mor lounging in a lone chair with her legs dangling over the armrest, Amren next to Varian on the couch, Rhys by the back wall leaning next to Cassian, both drinks in hand, and Feyre had just slipped into the room. But where was _he_?

“Where’s Azriel?” Elain asked again, this time waiting for any of them to reply. Anyone. Just … where was he?

Suddenly none of her friends and family could maintain eye contact with her, safe for Amren who took onto a pitifully shaking of her head. Elain felt the smile tugging at her lips fade away.

“You came back.” Cassian pushed off the wall and took a step toward the middle Archeron, squeezing his neck as he winced a little.

That was the first moment Elain felt her heart beginning to sink to her stomach. Something was wrong.

“Of course I did. I told you so,” and again, “Where’s Az?” Elain let her eyes wander around the room once more, taking in the grave faces. No. No, that was not possible. He couldn’t have …

“Oh! He’s in the bathroom, isn’t he?” She felt a tiny flicker of hope return, pushing her heart right back up into its home. Dashing out of the room, she checked the bathroom at the end of the corridor. The door was wide open with no one inside.

Cassian emerged from the living room, scratching his jaw and finally meeting her gaze. “You never told us you’d come back.”

Oh God.

Elain took to her right, landing in another empty room, calling Azriel’s name as she ran through the apartment, even going so far as to search Rhys and Feyre’s damn bedroom to find him. No. This could not be it. He couldn’t have just _left_.

She’d somehow ended up on the balcony with the black metal railing within reach of the stars, where she could still feel Azriel’s presence, his cheek atop her head.

Warm hands engulfed her shoulders from behind, and Elain turned, half expecting to look into the hazel eyes of her Azriel.

The orbs filling her sight were hazel, hazel and sympathetic, but they didn’t belong to _her_.

“Ellie, you … He left, Elain. He didn’t think you’d return. To be honest? Neither did I.” Cassian’s tone was soft but his words still hit her like a wave of ice-cold water.

“What do you mean he’s left? I – I told him to stay. I told him to _trust_ me.”

Cassian let his head hang, rubbing his jaw before eyeing her guiltily. “I don’t mean to hurt you but it wouldn’t be the first time you went after the boy. We thought – _he_ thought – you chose him. I’m sorry. Would I have known you meant to come back, maybe I could have stopped him but I thought …”

“But I told him,” Elain cut him off. “ _I told him_. Why didn’t he just trust me?”

Cassian cast his eyes down, his mouth tightening ruefully. “Ellie, he’s been through so much.”

“Me too!” Elain exclaimed, desperate in her attempt to understand this. To understand what had happened. _Why_ it had happened.

“But you have no idea how it is. How he’s had to watch the one he – how he’s had to watch you be with someone else. He’s stayed right by your side all along, hoping you’d notice whatever it is you two have. I have no idea what went down between you in the past month but I’ve never seen him like that, Elain. You leaving today gave him the rest, I suppose. Thinking you might have chosen that guy over him again … it broke him.”

“I’ve left to break up with Graysen!” Elain shouted with the tears finally spilling, accompanied by a watery sob. “I left so I could come back clean! To start off _new_.”

She looked at the male through the blur of tears. Her voice breaking into a tiny whisper, she said, “I chose _him_ , Cassian. I chose Azriel.”

And Elain fell into sobs, unhinging as they shook her shoulders, pressing her face into her palms, leaving it to the tears to wreck her.

She barely felt the male gently pulling her to his chest, rubbing soothing circles over her back as he murmured quiet words of comfort. But how could anything comfort her right now?

Azriel had left. He hadn’t trusted her. She’d apparently drained every ounce of patience in him, patience and trust, with her awful decisions. Elain had hurt him so much Azriel couldn’t even take her presence anymore. The thought made her cry just the harder.

“Give her to me,” a voice of steel coated with the honey of compassion cut into her sobs. Nesta had never been able to bear Elain crying without being the one to press her close and convey comfort with her sheer iron will.

Elain could already feel Cassian’s arms loosening around her slender frame and Nesta’s firm hand gripping at her shoulder when she withdrew from both of them at once.

“No!” She grabbed for the railing, leaning against it as she eyed both of them through her tears. “I don’t deserve your comfort. Let me be.”

Cassian’s face twisted into a painful expression and Elain could tell just how sorry he was. Well, she was too. _So_ _fucking_ _sorry_.

Nesta took a step toward her little sister, eyes softening beneath that hard exterior with only her sisters being able to tell the difference. And Cassian, maybe.

“Elain, sweetheart, come here.”

Nesta’s voice was almost a caress to Elain’s ears but she shook her head, couldn’t stop shaking it, couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t stop losing all the things that mattered. She had left Graysen, and Az had left her. Now she was all alone. _All alone._

No. _No_. This couldn’t be it. She couldn’t leave it like that.

Azriel thought Elain chose Graysen over him? Well, then she’d have to find him and make things clear, with every living cell in her body. Elain would confess everything; she’d show Az every little piece of her heart that caved to him, having found their master within the male. She would grab him the goddamn moon if he asked her to. As long as he stayed. As long as he chose her back.

“I’m going,” Elain determined, swiping at her eyes as she pushed past Cassian and Nesta, past Feyre who had assembled in the room adjoining the balcony with a pitying expression on her face, heading straight for the front door.

“Where,” was all her elder sister demanded, walking close behind her.

“To Azriel! Where else would I go, Nesta?” Elain’s voice broke into unbelieving fragments of words.

_God_ , did they really all thought she’d stay with Graysen? That she would run straight to his awaiting arms within the minute of an inconvenience and be miserable again? After all that had happened?

“I’m coming with,” Nesta grabbed for her coat, slipping it on as she walked. Her tone brooked no objections but Elain shook her head nevertheless.

“I’m going alone.”

“I’m not letting you drive like this,” Nesta hissed, grabbing Elain’s arm, making her halt in her step. “Look how upset you are. You’re _not_ going alone.”

“I’ll drive her,” Cassian interrupted before Elain could finally lose it. Walking up to Nesta, the male gently brushed his thumb against her chin, trying to calm the stoic female with the gesture. If Elain hadn’t been so done with everything, she would have felt the surprise of Nesta not withdrawing from his fingers.

The eldest Archeron drank him up with her eyes, holding his gaze firmly. “Whatever you do, don’t let him hurt her.” She fixated him until Cassian nodded before Nesta fastened her eyes on Elain once more. “No one is allowed to hurt my sister.”

Elain faintly wondered whether Cassian already loved her sister, or if the statement had just made him fall in love with her. From the way Cassian kept looking at Nesta, Elain assumed he might have loved her from the very first moment they’d met. Just like Elain had loved his brother all this time …

“Cassian,” Elain broke out of her thoughts, staring up at the male as she fought against the tears. “Take me to Azriel.”

…

“He’s not answering!” Elain forcefully dialed Azriel’s number again, biting her lip to keep her sobs from remerging from where she’d shoved them a few minutes ago.

“He’s probably shut his phone off,” Cassian glanced at her for a second before concentrating on the road again. He reached for her clammy hand and took it in his, squeezing reassuringly. “We’re almost there, okay? Stay calm.”

Elain kept gazing at the road, silent tears running down her cheeks. Her tears must have had the path memorized by now.

“What if he hates me now?” she clung to Cassian’s hand with both of her own, in need to anchor herself at the thought. “What if he never wants to see me again, Cassian?”

“You know none of this is even remotely possible,” Cassian assuaged her. “Azriel could never hate you, Ellie. It’s not in his nature. He isn’t able to hate you. Believe me, I know him.”

Elain finally turned her gaze to Cassian’s, now her hope chiming in to cling to the male, to his words.

“Do you really think so?” she found herself requesting weakly. Asking for a lie if she had to.

But maybe Cass was right. Maybe Elain could turn it all around, make things right again. There was still a chance. She just had to look into Azriel’s eyes again, and she would _feel_ it.

The closer they got to Azriel’s home the faster Elain’s heart beat inside her chest.

“I’ll go up myself.” Elain turned to the male her sisters both seemed to love dearly; one of them showing it generously while the other kept her feelings all sealed shut inside the cage of her heart. At least as far as Elain was informed. “Thank you for driving me here.” Cassian smiled and nodded as Elain squeezed his hand one last time and got off the car.

Before she closed the door, he called her name.

“I’ll be waiting here … just in case. Let me know you’re fine, okay? I don’t care if you start kissing and making up, I will barge in there in 20 minutes if I don’t hear anything from you,” he grinned. Despite the blush staining her cheeks at the admission, Elain was glad for his enthusiasm in her chance gaining his brother’s forgiveness.

_Me and Azriel_ , Elain thought, _kissing and making up?_ The flutter in her chest signaled she'd be very appreciative of such an outcome of this encounter.

_Maybe you shouldn't go this fast_ , another voice inside suggested quietly, the annoying, anticlimactic voice called reason. Elain shoved her aside.

Where did that come from anyway? She knew how she felt about Azriel, and that was a given. The way Elain yearned for him was nothing close to how she’d felt for Graysen. It was like comparing a drop of water to an entire ocean.

And she'd already taken long enough to realize that. She'd depleted Az's patience. Elain couldn't make him wait longer, make both of them wait, because they deserved a love like this. Love. _She was in love_. And suddenly walking up the stairs to Azriel's apartment didn't seem so hard anymore. Her feet practically flew her up there.

One look and Azriel would see the truth. He'd feel how much she loved him.

"I love him," Elain murmured into the solitude of the moment. "I love Azriel."

With her heart fluttering in her chest, she approached the door to his home, and ringed the bell.

Oh stars, she was such a fool! Why hadn't she thought of bringing something? Flowers maybe, or these pastries sold just around the corner. Azriel loved them.

_Don't be stupid_ , she chided herself. _This is serious. He'd think you a fool if you popped up within all his misery with pastries in your hands._

So no pastries then. Just her. Just Elain would have to be enough.

She kept waiting for a few seconds but the door remained closed. He couldn’t have gone to bed already, could he? The sun had barely set.

Elain ringed again, unease starting to settle in. The looming possibility of Azriel not wanting to see her made her throat feel tight. No. She would not give up that easily. Elain started to knock on his door.  "Azriel?" she called his name. "It's me. Please open the door."

No answer.

Elain started to knock harder, louder. "Az, let me in. We need to talk!" She kept hammering against the door until her fist hurt but to no avail. Azriel didn't open up. He didn't even make a sound.

Tears burned in her eyes again, and Elain pressed her brow to the door.

"Please, let me in …" she found herself pleading, crying in defeat.

Then something occurred to her; Azriel would never – not in a million years – listen to her crying, knowing he could be comforting her by opening his door. He would do _anything_ in his might to make her hurt go away, no matter where he stood himself. That, she knew for sure. Hadn't he just done the same the other day on the balcony? He'd comforted her with his words, notwithstanding how hard it must have been to confess, knowing she was still with Graysen.

Just as Cassian had said, it wasn't in his nature to hurt her.

The only logical reason he hadn't opened up yet was because Azriel wasn't home. He must have gone out to grab a drink or something. Take-out food from the Chinese restaurant on the other block? Elain ignored the unlikeliness of these possibilities.

It didn't matter where Azriel had gone. She'd wait for him. She'd sit right here, propped up against his door, and wait for him to come home. Elain would wait for him to return to her.

She couldn't have been sitting there for longer than five minutes when Elain started hearing heavy steps, taking stair by stair. She rushed to her feet, and peeked over the railing.

"Azriel?" she called out before she could stop herself.

The steps halted, only to pick up pace. Elain could feel the blood pulsating in her head. Then he stood before her, making her inhale sharply.

Only it wasn't Azriel she was staring at.

"Cassian," Elain spoke while all at once a sob of disappointment heaved itself out of her chest. She collapsed into the male's arms, crying into the fabric of his shirt as he held her.

"He's not here, Cass. He's not home. He doesn't want to see me, does he? I have no idea where to go."

She heard the male sigh deeply, and felt his big hands patting her back in brotherly affection.

"Maybe I should drive you home, Ellie, what do you think? You could still come over in a day or two. I'm sure he'll be here then," he told her, trying to be comforting but something in his tone was off. Elain took a step back and looked up.

" _No_. I can't wait days, let alone until tomorrow. I have to talk to him, Cass. Don't you understand? I can't let him hurt anymore. I've done enough damage to us already," she added wobbly as she tried wiping the tears from her eyes but they didn't seem to be ceasing.

Cassian stared at her, his mouth opening and closing as if he couldn't decide whether to say what was on his mind. He frowned, not being able to look her in the eye as he started to pace the corridor instead, huffing along the way.

Elain was too tired to think about whatever he was withholding, she just kept waiting, leaning against Azriel's door with her head pressed against the cold wood of it.

After a few minutes Cassian stopped pacing and tried again. "Let's leave, Ellie. I don't think it's a good idea to be waiting here."

"Why not?" Elain questioned, her voice heavy as she stood there with her eyes closed, trying to magically enforce the male on her mind right into reality, between her arms. Oh, how close she'd hold him. She would mend all the broken edges of her own doing.

"He might … You know he was pretty rough when he left, Elain. He's probably having a drink somewhere. In a bar."

Elain opened her eyes, confusion staining her gaze as she looked at the male. She straightened then, a new hope glimmering in her chest. "We could be searching bars nearby. Is that what you suggest? Maybe we'll find him, Cassian. You're right, waiting here does no good. Where could he have gone? Cassian, where does he usually–"

Cassian cut her off by shaking his head. He couldn't seem to stop wincing.

"That was _not_ what I was trying to say." He sighed heavily again, staring at the ceiling as if wondering how the hell he had ended up here with this broken girl and her broken relationships.

When he caught her eyes again, Elain took an involuntary step back at the resolution in them. Whatever he was about to spill next, Elain wasn't going to like it. At all.

"The way he left makes me think that he’s somewhere in a bar, drinking. With company.”

Elain blinked.

“He might not be coming home alone tonight, Ellie.”

He should have just gone ahead and punched her in the face – it would have hurt less than what the indicating statement did to her.

Oh God. Elain was going to be sick.

Luckily Cassian was faster by her side than she realized; he held her as she doubled over and emptied the contents of her stomach onto the floor.

***

Azriel spent the entire night in a bar he’d never been in, staring at the drink between his scarred fingers. He didn’t drink though, neither did he talk. He barely thought.

All he did was welcome the pain, because it was the only thing keeping him away from the gentle woman with the kind, caramel eyes.

He’d come to the conclusion that he’d never had a chance with her. No matter how this day might have turned out, the outcome would be the same. Even if she’d choose to send Graysen to hell.

Acknowledging the truth now, as much as it had loomed over his head for the past few weeks, didn’t lessen the pain but it gave him clarity. He didn’t need to be doubting his decision because it was what was best for all of them. For him. For her.

Only when the sun rose again did Az leave the bar, without a single drop of alcohol in his system. He didn’t need to be drowning his pain in alcohol like his father used to and so many others still did. He didn’t need to because he was familiar with pain. He welcomed it home like an old friend paying him a visit.

As he took a cab straight to the airport, he promised himself to leave behind what was not to be his. If being without Elain was his fate for now, then so shall it be.

He couldn’t leave without a trace though. His brothers would go mad with concern. All of them would. _She_ would, too.

The least he could do was give his family a call.

***

Elain jerked out of her fitful sleep as soon as the door to her room was yanked open. Her eyes felt uncomfortably swollen. She assumed crying oneself to sleep had unpleasant effects on one’s entire face.

To be honest, she’d spent her entire night picturing Azriel making love to another woman. If this was what Azriel felt every time he’d seen – even _thought_ about – her kissing Graysen, then she couldn’t blame him for taking off today. He must be in charge of superhuman strengths for sticking around this long. Elain hadn’t even retained of her stomach’s contents at the thought of him with another woman.

So she laid awake trying to figure out what the hell she’d do.

Should she barge in on him with another female, not caring about what might be interrupted? Or give up and yield to a sad life, accepting Azriel was gone for sure? Despite him making that sacrifice for her all this time, Elain couldn’t bring herself to see Azriel with another woman. The images in her mind were already starting to torture her; his hands on skin that wasn’t hers, but mostly his eyes staring into another pair with the love and affection usually reserved for Elain.

She shook out of the ugly images of her mind, and remembered someone just barging into her room.

Nesta was posed just beyond her door, staring at the phone between her fingers and typing away angrily.

“What is it, Nesta?” Elain groggily asked, rubbing her eyes and sitting up against the headboard. Her whole body ached.

Nesta ignored her for another moment, still typing, face getting angrier by the second. Then she groaned, aggressively jamming her phone into the pocket of her jeans.

“You might want to get dressed. I’m driving you to the airport.”

Elain almost choked on her own air. “What? Why?”

Her sister sighed, expression softening imperceptibly. “Azriel accepted a job outside the States. He’s leaving.”

Elain didn’t remember the drive to the airport, hadn’t heard a single thing Nesta told her after the initial moment of shock. Frankly, she didn’t believe she’d made it out of that moment.

She was stuck there until Elain spotted Azriel in the crowd of departing passengers. Only when she spotted him, sticking out of the crowd by his height, did her mind switch back from autopilot and Elain picked up her pace, yelling his name.

The male stopped dead in his tracks as his head snapped up hearing her voice. Elain came to a halt, skidding, as she clutched her side and tried to slow her breathing.

“Azriel,” she gasped again. He didn’t turn around. But he didn’t keep walking either. Elain stayed right where she was, still panting.

If he didn’t want to look at her, then fine. But she wouldn’t let him go. She would not give up on him.

“So you’re leaving now – really leaving? Without a goodbye?” she breathed, taking another step, letting her eyes wander from his stiff, straight back to the slight bowing of his head. She would have given anything to be able to look into his eyes, but Elain forced herself to stand still.

“Saying goodbye seemed too hard,” Azriel only murmured, voice grave and low. Her insides clenched in response, her throat tightening and her eyes tearing up as the realization finally caught up with her. He really did plan to leave.

Not on her watch.

“You can’t just go, Az,” she found herself pleading. “ _Don’t_ go.”

The entire civilization around her had ceased to be until Elain only saw Az, could only feel how much she needed him to stay.

But Azriel’s shoulders tensed even further, and his voice tightened when he spoke again. “I want us to be happy, El. But I cannot be happy as long as I have to watch you being with him. So I’ll leave, for both our sakes.”

Elain’s hand flew up to her throat, the emotion there too harsh for her to be able to speak right away. She said his name after a pause. If she could just have a minute to collect herself, to find her voice again … But Az didn’t wait for her to find the right words; he flinched at once when his name left her mouth as if she had shot an arrow straight for his back.

“I’m sorry, El. But I _need_ to go.” And with that he started walking away, not having met her eyes once.

Elain could feel the panic crawling up her neck. To _hell_ with the right words. The truth in its simplicity would have to do. “I’m not back together with him!” she called out, making Azriel come to another sudden stop. His head tilted slightly, indicating he had heard. She could see his jaw working.

Elain finally felt her legs again, and moved in front of him before he could leave for good. She stared into his face, eyes devouring him as if she’d been blind before and he was her eyesight.

Azriel seemed pale, and yet still handsome in his pain. Instead of meeting her eyes he shut them closed though, breathing hard through his nose.

Elain refused to be deterred by his lack of desire to look her in the eye, but rather kept talking. He needed to know, and he needed to _stay_.

“I didn’t leave to be with him, Azriel. I’m not with Graysen.”

Azriel still refused to open his eyes, voice full of hurt as he said, “But you will be. It never takes long.”

Elain flinched. But it wasn’t his fault she’d hurt him into thinking that, and her past didn’t really prove helpful in the matter.

“It’s over for good, I swear. That’s why I went after him. I told him I didn’t love him. I told him – I told him I didn’t love him like I love _you_. Because I love you, Azriel. You don’t have to leave.”

Her words had quite the opposite effect than she’d intended. Elain watched his whole body stiffen, his brow crease. “Don’t say that. Not if you don’t mean it. Not if you’re only trying to make me stay. Please Elain. If you don’t know, let me go.”

“But I do know. I know it now, Az,” Elain insisted adamantly. She tentatively reached for his face, cupped his cheeks as she’d done before and brushed under his eyes. “Look at me. You’ll see the truth in my eyes as you always did.” Azriel kept his eyes closed for another beat of silence. But then, slowly, she could see the hazel of his orbs again.

Elain breathed in relief when he held her gaze, when she found him tracing her features, drinking her in like water.

“You knew even before I did, didn’t you Az? That I love you. And I’m sorry it took me so long but I won’t lie to us anymore. _I love you_. I love you like no one else. Don’t go.”

“Don’t leave me,” Elain added, quieter and urging. She felt Azriel’s heavy sigh on her skin, watching his eyes as they were still suffused with sadness despite all the truths Elain had finally spilled. _Why was he still sad?_

“El, I could never leave you, not truly. You’d always be with me. You _will_ always be with me.” He pressed his hand against his chest, as if to say _here, right here_. “And you’re the best person I’ve ever met. Only because that prick couldn’t appreciate you doesn’t mean you’re worth leaving all the time. So that’s not what I’m doing. I could never leave you.”

Elain’s heart started to feel lighter in her chest, she felt like smiling again. He would stay. _He would stay_.

Her euphoria lasted only until she took in Azriel’s eyes, his grave face, and felt something clench inside. _You will always be with me_ , he’d said. _I could never leave you, not truly_.

And as the truth took form beneath her eyes all of a sudden, Elain began to _ache_.

“But you’ll still go, won’t you?” she whispered, tears beginning to pool.

Azriel just looked at her, his eyes bright with his own tears, with his own pain. With his _goodbye_.

That’s when she pressed her hand to her chest, not even trying to contain the sobs wrecking her thoroughly. She was concerned with keeping her heart inside her body. It felt like it was being ripped out of her chest nevertheless.

“But why?” she found herself weeping, clutching both hands to her chest, to her heart still clinging to her ribs in a desperate attempt to not be broken away from its home.

“Is this not enough? Am _I_ not enough to make you stay?”

She couldn’t have sounded more pathetic but Elain didn’t find it in her to care anymore. She only wanted him to stay. What would she do without Azriel?

The male shook his head, vigorously, his eyes burning with something fierce and honest, and made Elain suck in a breath of air she desperately needed. _A fresh breather of air, that’s what you truly need_ , the stupid voice of reason chimed in.

“Don’t say that. Don’t you dare think it.” Elain had never heard Azriel sound so resolute, so determined to make her believe.

“Then why are you leaving me?” she whined as she desperately searched his eyes, hugging herself tightly.

“I will never leave you, Elain. Not the way it matters. You’ll stay with me wherever I go. And as long as you have me, I’ll stay with you too.” He touched the aching place where her heart had once lingered.

“That’s not enough for me!” she cried, clutching his fingers and pressing them to her cheek. “I want _you_ here with me. I want you right by my side. You’re my best friend, Az. I can’t be without you. _I need you_.”

Azriel made a desperate sound, trying to make her understand. “But that’s the thing, El, you don’t need me. You _shouldn’t_ feel like you need me to feel whole. Not me, not anyone else.” He waited a moment for his words to sink in.

“Would you really want to be with me now? You said you’d stop lying to us. So tell me, do you _truly_ want to jump from one relationship into the next? What does your heart say? Your mind? You deserve to have room to _be_ , El. You deserve to be on your own, to love yourself first. And I deserve to be more than Graysen’s rebound.”

The Archeron gasped without knowing where she found the air to do so. “You would never be his rebound, Az. How can you even say that? I’m _in love_ with you.”

Azriel took another step toward the female, his fingers weaving themselves through the hair in her neck and pulling her closer. “I know, baby, I do. But I would be. You spent five years with him. _Five years_ of your life. You’ll mourn him, eventually, even if not right away. You’ll mourn the loss of him, of all the good things in your relationship. You deserve to mourn the past without myself attached to your present. And I don’t want to share you with his ghost. Not even his memory.

“You can’t really want to be with me so shortly after him, can you? Look me in the eye and say it wouldn’t matter. That you’re ready for another commitment. Because Elain, if you were mine, I would want everything. _Everything_ with you.”

Elain was full-on sobbing by now, his words clanging through her mind, marking her from the inside out. She shook her head, trying to rid of the truths he’d implanted there again. But to no avail. She finally started to see, to really _see_ where he was coming from.

And Elain hated this, she hated not being able to tell him that he was wrong and she was ready to be with him. Because as always, he was right. Elain wasn’t ready. She’d just decided to ignore her own voice of reason in fear of losing him. She’d put herself second again, and Azriel knew it.

She would lose him, still. And it hurt like hell.

Azriel wrapped his arms around her, pressing his lips to her brow and kissing her there. “Everything,” she heard him murmur before he had withdrawn suddenly, face contorted. With a last lingering look, he swallowed hard. “Take care, Elain.”

_Now_ , Elain thought, _my heart is gone now_.

But she was barely feeling herself, couldn’t think straight as she watched him turn and prepare to leave her. No matter how much it hurt, in that moment Elain knew she would be waiting for him. There couldn’t be anyone else. None other than Azriel.

Before she knew it, she’d leaped to grab his arm, gripping him way too hard probably. He didn’t seem fazed by that though, only watched Elain clear her throat, preparing her mouth for the words to flow through.

“If I’m not to get a proper love story with you,” she croaked, “then leave me with something good to remember. Leave me with a proper goodbye.”

Seemingly having reached the limits of denying her, Azriel’s arms wound around her waist, tightening in her back with his right hand buried in her hair, as soon as he recognized what she wanted. Elain could do nothing but _feel_ when Azriel dropped his lips to her own and kissed her. She did not know how to describe the kiss beyond the desperation and passion within it. Even his lips tasted of goodbye.

He only just managed to break himself from her mouth, breathing in her scent one last time, before his lips descended to her ear, whispering.

As he left, flying to somewhere new, he took a part of her with him – her heart, a piece of her mind, part of her soul.

Elain could only hear the words he had whispered, repeated over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this just happened. Sorry not sorry, guys. x  
> Stay tuned for the Epilogue of Like Coming Home soon!


	5. Epilogue

_I wish that, a year from now, you'll realize there's plenty of good in regaining one's freedom._

Those were the words Azriel had said to her before he left. Those were the words she'd last heard of him, exactly a year ago.

It was no surprise, really, she was thinking of him on this particular day. But then again, Elain thought about him almost every day.

With every occasion her family gathered for, his presence was blatantly missing. Without Az, her home within her family felt incomplete.

Nevertheless, now that Elain saw clearer, she recognized plenty of good in what happened a year ago. She realized it had been the right choice of Azriel to make, of her to be forced to make. As much as leaving Graysen had put Elain first, she wouldn't have listened to her own voice of reason were she to be with Azriel right after. But there was one thing he had missed though.

By choosing him, she'd chosen her freedom. She'd freely decided to acknowledge his place in her heart, and admitted its finality.

Even the thought of loving another, someday, was revolting in its wake. She'd tried. Once, feeling low and incredibly lonely, Elain attempted to replace Az in her heart, just theoretically, and her skin practically crawled. Like two repelling magnetic poles, the thought of being with another couldn't be brought close to her heart. It would always remain beyond its reach, never losing its push. Not even after a year.

So Elain accepted it.

She accepted she might never love anyone else the way she loved Azriel. Even if she'd allowed that someone into her heart, he'd have to deal with Az's ghost, and Elain was not okay with the thought. After all, that was why Azriel had left her and no male deserved to come third – which would be the inevitable outcome of putting herself first and Azriel second.

However Elain had learned to be patient with herself. She'd also learned one could only name it patience if it seemed impossible to remain willing to endure.

Whenever things got too heavy to bear, Elain pictured herself a blossom growing into patience; she was a sunflower nurturing toward its source, the sun, and evolving into a forbearing, lenient version of herself. That was at least one positive effect of her time being with Graysen; he'd taught her to be a real damn source of patience. Elain had it in her to be tirelessly enduring. She was strong. She was built of fortitude regarding the hardships of life.

And she'd had to thank both Graysen and Azriel for that. She'd had to thank herself the most.

“Hey.” Nuala's head popped into her office, making Elain avert her gaze from the wall that had kept her attention for the past few minutes.

“I'm heading out now,” Nuala spoke softly. One of the reasons Elain quickly took a liking to the olive-skinned woman was her soft-spoken and pleasant traits, similar to her twin sister Cerridwen. Beyond that, they were both incredibly swift with a knack for anything revolving handiwork.

“I’ve just arranged the store window the way you wanted with the violet lilies and crocuses, and also added some lilac roses and tulips. Hope that was okay.”

Elain rubbed her eyes and gave Nuala a tired smile. She was very tired nowadays, though a good kind of tired, a I'm-working-really-hard-tiredness. There were many kinds of weariness, Elain knew best.

“Of course, 'La,” she assured the young female. “I'll take a look as I leave, but I doubt I'll be changing anything. I'm sure you've done an immaculate job as ever.”

Nuala blushed, the sweet color rising to her cheeks, accentuating her mane of black hair and deep, dark brown eyes. She nodded her head, and retreated out of the room. Elain listened to the bell indicating she'd just left the shop. _Elain's_ shop.

It still felt incredible to have one's own business. The more so for Elain.

Just imagining the naive, helpless girl she'd been, growing into a strong, creative woman reaching for her dreams and actually capturing them between her fingers was beyond belief. She'd made it. She'd opened her own floristic shop. _Velaris_ , she'd called it, and somehow it fit perfectly. It fit like home.

 _Home_. Why was it that she connected that word to one certain male?

In her time being alone, Elain often found herself contemplating the meaning of home.

She'd always thought without Graysen, she would be left incomplete, homeless. But the more she found the strength within herself, the more she grasped what being completed really meant.

She was complete on her own. And this was a truth as simple as a daisy growing effortlessly within the grass.

Elain was her own person with her own decisions, and she needn't anyone else to be whole.

And with being content on her own, living her life, she still couldn't help but feel a little homeless. For one, home was not a place, nor a roof over her head. _She_ was her own home. Her sisters were home. Cassian and Rhys were home. Mor and Amren, even Varian, were part of her home.

And … Azriel had been her home.

Her very own, personally constructed, perfectly comfortable home. Azriel was the roof over her head. He was her walls, and her bricks holding up the entire place. He was part of her every room while Graysen had merely been a shelter. A shelter from the rain of loneliness.

Yet with Azriel not being here ... Maybe that's why she felt a little amiss, not incomplete but complete by her own. A full moon without the stars within the vastness of the night sky.

Elain realized, now as she sat there still staring at the wall, home was better, _fuller_ , with your loved ones. They added to her own self. Just then, a house felt like home.

The night sky only made sense with the moon and all its stars.

Without Azriel, there would always be a missing presence, a lingering hole. No roof, no walls. Without Azriel, rain poured into her house and soaked Elain from head to toe. At least she knew now she was strong enough to bear it. She'd done exactly that within the past year.

And while not needing him, Elain couldn't help but think his presence made everything better, deeper. Elain didn't need Azriel but she still wanted him. She wanted him.

Sighing, the middle Archeron stood from her desk, stifling a yawn as she crossed to the front door, turning the 'open' sign over. She smoothed her hair out of her face, and glanced down the street. Bustling in the city never really stopped, and Elain was glad for it.

The first few months after _Velaris'_ opening had been hard, and she still struggled to keep in time with her schedules and finances. Running her own flower shop went beyond keeping her blossoms at perfect health and arranging new bouquets every day. Once _Velaris_ gained foothold in the city, and people kept filing in more and more, Elain's orders grew until she'd had to hire Nuala and Cerridwen to deliver the bouquets as well as help with the shop itself. They were the perfect employees and Elain already felt like having won two new friends within the course of a few months.

She remembered Cerridwen coming into her office the other day, with two coffees from the Starbucks around the corner. Elain hadn't even noticed the huge cups in her hands, having lost herself staring at the spot of wall above her door, directly opposite from her desk.

 _I'm surprised you're getting any work done_ , the female had mused, the shy smile in her face softening her words to the point Elain was sure Cerridwen tried to form a closer bond between them, beyond the relationship between an employer and their employee. Elain adored her for it.

 _I'd love to meet him one day,_ the female had added, more gentle, gaze flitting over the spot Elain had been staring at.

The Archeron remembered smiling at that, a sad smile. _Me too, Cerr', me too_.

Shaking herself out of the memory – it must have been the day itself putting Elain in such a reminiscent mood – the shop owner returned to her office, collecting stray pieces of crepe paper, discarded stems from arranged bouquets and seceded petals as she went. She threw them away, bringing order into the shop after the chaos of the day. Just as she was about to settle behind her desk again, planning the deliveries for the next day, the bell ringed; a customer had come in. Elain listened to heavy, male steps entering her shop.

“I'm afraid we're closed, Sir,” she called from her office, rising to her feet and gathering the documents on her desk into a neat pile. That'd be a long night for sure.

The steps had stopped, and there was no ring either, indicating the customer just entering hadn't filed out yet. Elain rubbed her eyes and again, turned to walk out of her office, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Unless you've someone waiting to be surprised by a bunch of withered red roses, you'll have to return tomor…”

Suddenly Elain's treasury of words, all of her thoughts and a lungful of air was sucked out of her body.

There was a male in her shop all right, standing within all the colorful flowers in his dark-clothed glory and still looking like he was meant to be planted right in their midst – a male Elain had once known better than anyone else. The male who resurrected in her dreams night by night.

The stack of papers slipped from her fingers, spreading all over the floor to her feet. None of them moved, or even averted their eyes from each other.

“Hey,” Azriel spoke softly.

 _His voice_. _I’m hearing his voice_ , Elain thought dazed, and knew she’d momentarily lost her own. All that left her mouth was a gasp of breath, air caressing his name.

He was different yet the same. His hair was a little longer, stubble staining the skin of his jaw. Az looked like the year they'd spent apart had aged him by three.

With Elain's chest recognizing its missing heart so close, the perfect fit for the gaping hole within her ribs, she started to ache in protest to the distance between them.

“Az,” she breathed, words queueing on her tongue all of a sudden. She was flooded by lots of words in an instant, barely escaping the drowning force of her emotions clogging her throat.

Azriel swallowed, hard, and teared his gaze from her face with difficulty, let his eyes wander all over _Velaris_.

Elain itched to be closer to him, but she stayed where she was in fear the room would tip over as soon as she took her first step.

When Azriel's gaze returned to her eyes again, not being able to keep apart for longer than a few seconds, Elain saw his mouth move, feeling the word he murmured reaching her ears, caressing the skin there.

“Yours?” He gestured around him, to the flowers gracing every spot, to her shop.

Elain didn't know she'd breathed the word until she did. “Yes.”

She also couldn't help the proud straightening of her shoulders. Yes, Velaris was _hers_. It was Elain's dream, and here she was.

As if he thought the exact same thing, Azriel's lips lifted at the corner, and if Elain had been in possession of her heart she'd make it burst apart by the small, proud smile Azriel was wearing.

How she'd missed him. She found no words to compare these aching feelings within her chest; since there was no heart to hold them in one place they spread all over her body. Elain was made of missing Azriel, of loving him.

And they might have moved at the same time, Elain didn't know. All she knew was she had missed him more than anything in her entire life, so much that it physically hurt to be standing apart when he was this close again. It didn't even seem enough when they crashed against each other in an all-encompassing hug, Azriel's arms tightening incredibly against her back as she pressed herself close to his chest. For the first time in a year she felt like brimming over.

“You have no idea how much I missed you,” Azriel murmured against her hair, pulling her even closer and breathing in deep, sucking in her scent like he wanted to suck out her soul.

Elain sighed; she was still unsure if this really was happening. “I think I have an idea.”

To her infinite dismay, Az withdrew to an arm's length, looking at her and flicking his thumb against her jaw, making Elain tremble. As he once again took in their surroundings, Elain watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down.

“God, Ellie, you have your own shop. You made it.” When he fixed his eyes on her own once more, they were positively shining. Elain thought she might faint if this was just another night with him being the lead of her dreams. “This is incredible. I'm so proud of you.”

Elain lifted her shaking fingers to his chin, touching him to make sure he was not a fragment of her imagination. He felt very real beneath her fingers. She gulped.

“I wouldn't have made it if it weren't for you,” she murmured and halted because that didn't seem quite right yet. “And for me. If it weren't for me. I've built all this from nothing, you know.”

Azriel chuckled, just like that, so easily pouring his happiness right into her chest. The place there was filling so quickly, Elain feared she might not be able talk or walk for a while.

“Am I dreaming again, or are you truly here standing in my shop?” she found herself whispering, voice reverent because _hell_ , even if this was a dream it was the best one she'd had.

Azriel's eyes gleamed and he flicked her nose lovingly. Even that tiny little touch made her want to jump back into his arms. She found she missed them terribly around her waist.

“I don't know about you,” Az began, “but I'm feeling very real in this moment.”

And Elain knew immediately what he meant. She'd never felt so _here_ , had never been so present in her entire life. So she finally believed in this being reality.

A laugh bubbled out of her, bestowing him _her_ happiness in return. She threw her arms around his neck again, lifting onto her toes as she pulled him close. She couldn't stop laughing, and the tears of happiness from springing to her eyes. Azriel was here. He was right here!

She had to tell him so much, needed to show him all the things she'd done in the past year. There was so much to share and be told by him, too. But first–

“Az, look at this,” Elain released the male and spread her arms, pivoting in place. “Can you believe it? I have my own floristic shop! This has always been–”

“Your dream,” Azriel cut in, smiling. “I know.” He came to stand beside her, listening to her pointing out the perks of her shop to him.

“It's incredible, El,” he told her after a few minutes into her rambling. “I’ve always known you had it in you,” he softly murmured.

Elain's cheeks warmed, but not as much as warmth in her chest. She stared up at him, remembering once again how much she'd missed his face, those warm, hazel eyes.

“Oh!” she exclaimed, giddy with excitement at the other _thing_ she'd had to reveal to him. “I need to show you something,” Elain grabbed his hand and dragged the male to her office. Azriel stopped her along the way, sweetly gathering the scattered documents Elain had let slip once encountering him in her shop all of a sudden.

Once she'd crossed the threshold and reached her desk, she grabbed Azriel by the shoulders and made him turn with her in order to behold the view from where she sat at her desk, the view which she’d been confronted with with every glance up from her work.

Azriel's brows lifted in surprise as he caught sight of the paintings on the wall.

“These are…” he began but didn't finish. His eyes were struck to the painting just above the door frame, having found their twins there. He must have felt like looking into a mirror, Elain supposed.

A day after the opening of her shop eight months ago, Elain had sat in her office, feeling incredibly low. She'd wished for Azriel to be there so bad, had hoped for him to magically pop up and become a wish coming true within the other. But Azriel hadn't been there, and damn her if she hadn’t known why.

It was the exact same reason she'd never called him, in fear it was too soon and she'd mess up by reaching out to him too early. She felt that Azriel was as hesitant, for he had lost her so many times, Elain imagined he couldn't bear losing her another time.

 _Or maybe_ , her logic coated by fear whispered, _he found himself another woman_. _Someone who hasn't made him suffer like you did._

She pictured the thought growing hands, unsheathing a knife and driving it straight through her chest. _At least_ , Elain thought, _my heart is safe with him_.

Feyre had stopped by that evening, catching Elain in all her moping, sad glory. A bottle of wine and a glorious cheese cake later, Feyre had whipped out her paints and began painting right onto Elain's office wall.

She'd began with Azriel's eyes, directly opposite from where she sat at her desk. Hazel orbs streaked with green and gold, framed by rich, dark lashes. Feyre had matched his eyes so well, Elain started crying the moment she beheld them. It felt like being enveloped by the warmth of two strong, familiar arms.

Because Elain hadn't been able to stop crying, Feyre went to paint more eyes, starting with her own and Nesta's to Azriel's each side. She'd added Cassian's, too. The male had become a real brother to Elain after Azriel's departure, a source of positivity and infinite warmth. Rhys's eyes followed right next to Mor's, even Amren found their way into Elain's office.

This room had been her favorite place to be ever since.

Now that Azriel stood in here, letting his eyes wander around her office, over the set of their painted eyes … Elain contemplated locking her door and never letting any of them out of her office.

He remained speechless for a few moments, his gaze kept returning to his very own hazel orbs. When his eyes wandered from the painting to Elain's desk, expression changing as he realized she had the perfect view sitting there, Elain blushed.

“They always comfort me,” she found herself admitting.

Azriel didn't say anything but looked at her with his eyes twinkling. How had she ever thought Feyre's painting conveyed the feeling his real eyes evoked in her?

Elain watched him walk around her office in silence, examining all the constellations of her self-made bouquets, her ferns and the sweet knick-knacks her family had gifted her over the course of they year after the opening of her shop. Elain's sketches of new ideas seemed to interest him thoroughly, the themes for her store window, everything really. He investigated her office like she was his favorite case; all the while his eyes kept coming back to her face, to her hands and shoulders, to her hair and legs, as if he couldn't believe she was standing right there, making sure she wouldn't drop from his sight ever again, and seeing for himself if she had remained the way he remembered.

Elain wanted to reach out and let him touch her, she wanted him to just go ahead and investigate her body.

But something else caught his attention first, halting him in his movement.

As Elain had longingly traced his own face and parts of his body with her eyes, trying to figure out what a year had done to _him_ – God, he had become even more muscular and also rugged around the jaw – Azriel had carefully examined the framed pictures on her desk. Elain recognized with a start what made him halt.

“Have you found someone to fill this frame?” he asked, tapping the biggest, cobalt blue, blank frame.

There were five frames in total, one filled with a picture of her and her sisters, another one with their deceased parents. Another frame showed all of the Inner Circle including Azriel, from Rhys and Feyre’s engagement party.

Elain even had a picture with both of her brothers, Rhys and Cass, the three of them grinning their brightest smiles into the camera. She remembered that happy day of the opening of her shop. Mor had been running around taking photos of literally everything.

But besides the family picture, Azriel was pretty much vacant on her desk. At least that's how it seemed.

But then again, so was missing any picture of Graysen or any another male, for that matter.

Elain searched Azriel's face for a reaction toward that fact. She only recognized a certain tightness around his jaw, one she remembered from when he had still been around her.

She walked over to him, slowly, waiting for him to look at her before she spoke. As the words left her mouth, she grasped the empty frame between her fingers, sliding open the back side of the frame.

“I lost my heart in the airport sometime a year ago,” she started, now gently taking the photo out of the frame. The frame wasn't blank indeed, the photo in there had just been turned back to front. She shielded the picture from Azriel's eyes as she put it in the right way, and continued talking with a light voice. “I haven't seen it since. Heard it traveled all the way to Europe.”

She gazed up at the male through her lashes, a meek smile on her lips, and only then did she place the framed photo back into its place.

It was a collage of pictures from both of them; shots of Azriel she'd taken when he didn’t look and her personal favorite: a picture of him laughing, unrestrained. She'd purposely made him laugh then, having prepared the camera beforehand and just waiting to click away. Azriel had blushed for hours after she'd shown him the picture.

“It was hard to stare at your photos, knowing I couldn't really see you,” Elain confessed. “Not to mention you were quite distracting me from work.”

The way Azriel stared at her now made Elain _really_ want to wrap herself around him and never let go. But not yet. Not until she knew for sure he also wasn't …

“What of you?” she asked quietly, tracing the frame of his picture with a finger. “Did you found a gorgeous, European woman there? I've heard Swedish females are something to behold.”

Since she looked at the floor rather than his face, Elain saw the moment his feet started to move toward her.

“Unfortunately I haven't been to Sweden,” Azriel replied, trying for an equally light tone although Elain noticed the hoarseness of his voice. “Should I return to Europe, test the theory and report back to you?”

Elain couldn't help but look at him now, realizing how close he'd gotten, and frowning even though she was pretty sure he was joking.

“You're going nowhere,” she determined. “You're staying.”

Azriel only grinned. Elain realized once more how much she'd missed him. She missed him so much she felt quite breathless.

“I was hoping you'd say something like that.” He took another step to the Archeron, tracing her jawline with the tip of his fingers. Elain shivered, not trying to hide her reaction. She reached up and touched her fingers to his collarbone, stroking the skin over the elegant bone. It felt incredibly soft beneath her fingers, soft yet strong. Unyielding. Just like herself.  

Azriel's pupils blew up the longer he stared at her, the more he eyed the traces of her face. “To make things clear,” he whispered, voice scratching Elain’s skin until the soft hairs rose into shivers. “I'm not with anyone else. I haven't been with anyone else for a year,” his voice was hoarse and his eyes dark, devouring the honey-haired female in one endless blink. Elain liked to make things clear. Elain liked making things clear very much.

But before she could further reach out to him, touch him, pull him close and do all the things that would _make her intentions very clear_ , Azriel cleared his throat and rounded her desk, bringing once again distance between the two of them. Elain swore she hated distance more than anything in the world.

“I'm not going to lie, El,” he continued. “I've dreaded coming here today. I thought … I didn't know how I'd process seeing you with another male. I didn't know if you've had moved on the way I didn't.”

Elain felt herself soften all at once; the raw and sharp edges of her desire for him molding into something sweet and longing.

“There's no moving on from you Az. I couldn't have been with another even if I wanted. You're my homestead, my final destination.” And then quieter but not weaker, Elain added, “I still love you like no one else.”

At her words Azriel leaned on her desk, fingers spreading over the wood and letting his head hang between his shoulders as he inhaled deeply. When he returned his eyes to her own, stars were shining in them.

 _There they were_. Finally the stars to her moon.

“You have no idea what it does to me to hear you say those words,” he rasped.

“I think _you_ have no idea how liberating it feels to say them out loud to your real face instead of some photos,” Elain retorted, trying distract him while she took a small step in his direction. She would _eat_ this thing called distance up. “Even though I must admit I spent an awful lot of time with them. Maybe you should be jealous.”

Azriel let out a startled laugh, husky and throaty, the way Elain loved them best. It’d been so long she’d heard him like this. She wondered if he’d sing for her again, someday.

They stared at each other, silently, the echo of his laugh hanging onto the room, settling into the farthest corners of Elain’s office; a pure memory amongst her flowers. She would bathe in its radiance.

As he watched her from across the room, with a wistful expression on his beautiful features, Elain wondered whether Azriel saw the little changes in her. He surely must be aware of the changes in how she held herself as well as in the way her eyes did not move from his in uncertainty over this obvious chemistry between them. Her ease and fierceness while being completely honest with him. Elain wondered if he saw how much of herself she’d become.

She could still remember, a year ago, Elain had yearned to become _herself_ , without actually knowing what that meant. All she’d wished was for her to be free of the burden of acting less than she was, like she’d done with Graysen. Elain had hid and pretended to be someone else, neglecting the potential of just _being_.

 _You deserve to have the room to be_ , Azriel had known even then. He had understood her even when she couldn’t understand herself. And here she was. _Here she was_.

“Shit, Elain,” Azriel croaked. “There were more moments when I doubted my decision to leave than I'd like to admit. Every goddamn day I wondered if I had done the right thing.” He stroked a hand through his dark hair, meeting her gaze with his soulful eyes. “But seeing you like this – you've always been perfect to me, and now you've grown into such an incredible person. I, God, I never thought I could love you more than I already do. I feel like moving mountains with this thing in my chest.” He patted the place over his beating heart, the contrast of his magnificent scarred hands stark against the cotton of his dark shirt. “ _You_ make me feel that.”

Elain had always known what Azriel felt for her; he had never needed to voice it. But hearing those words falling from his lips with such ease, Elain thought about how lucky they were to have words. Especially _his_ words. He had changed her with them a year ago and before she could comprehend what was happening now, this love between them had taken onto a whole new level. Azriel was a part of Elain just as much as she was a part of him. There could be no real distance between them because they were the same.

She swallowed the lump in her throat, turning to look at the painting of Azriel’s eyes on her wall. She remembered sitting here, right in this office, for longer than any of her friends and family knew, staring at Azriel’s eyes and talking to them.

“Remember when you told me you’d never really leave me if I chose to have you?” Elain brought her gaze back to his eyes, real and alive and _brimming_. “I made sure you stayed.”

Elain wasn't sure what made both of them move then; her words or the fact that it was so painstakingly clear they were even deeper in love with each other than a year ago and it was damn time for them to be losing this physical distance.

As much as they were mates by soul, there had always been distance between them; first by Elain's choices and of Azriel's doing next. But now, nothing stood there anymore. So they decided nothing would come between them ever again. Not even plain air.

As Azriel's arms wound themselves around her body and his hand buried itself into her hair for the second time in her life, Elain knew for a fact she was as complete on her own as she was with him.

As his lips descended the never ending flights of stairs made of her breath with a finality she had long yearned for, Elain realized that didn’t mean she’d have to keep being on her own to be strong.

And as she found her chest pressed against his, so the heart she'd been missing finally climbed back between her ribs … _yes, this_ , Elain thought. _This_ felt like coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, this has been a ride.  
> This story took a turn I haven't seen coming when I first began to write, and I couldn't be happier with how it ended. To all my Elains out there: You come first. From personal experience I'll tell you this. Never be less than yourself, don't settle for bad company to just be in company. You are enough the way you are, but you can still strive to be better if that's what *you* want. Love yourselves. If everything fades, you'll still have you.
> 
> Love,  
> julesherondalex


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